Couldn't resist this one

True Neutral Elf Wizard (2nd Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength- 11
Dexterity- 10
Constitution- 11
Intelligence- 14
Wisdom- 15
Charisma- 12
Alignment:
True Neutral- A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.

Class:
Wizards- Wizards are arcane spellcasters who depend on intensive study to create their magic. To wizards, magic is not a talent but a difficult, rewarding art. When they are prepared for battle, wizards can use their spells to devastating effect. When caught by surprise, they are vulnerable. The wizard's strength is her spells, everything else is secondary. She learns new spells as she experiments and grows in experience, and she can also learn them from other wizards. In addition, over time a wizard learns to manipulate her spells so they go farther, work better, or are improved in some other way. A wizard can call a familiar- a small, magical, animal companion that serves her. With a high Intelligence, wizards are capable of casting very high levels of spells.


Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (19)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXX (6)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXX (9)

Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXX (4)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaos --- XXXXXXX (7)

Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Evil ---- XX (2)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXX (4)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Halfling - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXXX (11)
Half-Orc - XX (2)

Class:
Barbarian - (-4)
Bard ------ XX (2)
Cleric ---- (0)
Druid ----- XXXX (4)
Fighter --- (-4)
Monk ------ (-19)
Paladin --- (-23)
Ranger ---- (-2)
Rogue ----- (-4)
Sorcerer -- XX (2)
Wizard ---- XXXXXX (6)



http://www.easydamus.com/character.html

I did drown in the mass anonymity of university life. I don't know who I am any more. I'm not all that sure I did before... but now it's like there's nothing left. I thought I'd come here to Pärnu and have it all come back to me the way it did before. But this time... in a way I only lost myself even more. Tomorrow I'm going to go back to Tartu, and I don't think I even have a chance of finding it there. I'll just continue being the anonymous name-behind-which-there-is-nothing, whichever name that happens to be in any particular case... Just a tiny part of a big machine, as replaceable as any other. And in the evening I'll come back to my room - or rather my half of room - which looks like any of the other 600+ rooms with its synthetic greyness and walls that seem to start closing in on me. Or I'll sit in Urg, which feels more like home than my room, but which isn't really "my place", either. One way or the other, I will learn much and value the experience, but it seems to be more and more the learning and less and less the me.

Maybe it really does have more than a little to do with not having my own place there. Somewhere that I could go to and feel at home and be myself. That would have my energy and help me keep my focus on what really matters. Here, everything is about that. It's like both a fortress and a sacred place. I might use the computer more than anything else in the room... but it's all still here around me. There, I have a place where I keep my things... and the things I take from here to help me remember who I am don't have the energy they had here any more. Even the music doesn't make me feel the same there. Oh, I still prefer Tartu as the place to live in most ways, no worries. I guess I've just realised it's not as perfect as I thought it would be in the beginning. I don't even have a place to go and sing any more... not even quietly and to myself. Yes, it matters, of course it matters. More than most people could probably imagine. Yeah, sure I could go join a choir and sing all I like... but it wouldn't be the same as actually hearing my voice when I sing. It's kind of like that with everything... it's like if I want to do something, I could be part of a choir and go for it all I like... but there's no place for me to hear my own voice. Figuratively speaking. It's wonderful not having to be alone any more. But for some things you need to be alone. And how to find a satisfactory balance between things... I don't know. I don't have a clue.

Is it really that much of a too-big-ego thing not to want to be part of the mass? To reach something beyond the nice secure middle-class position... which would as such probably be a pretty good achievement. I guess if I wanted to actually Achieve something, I'd better work towards it in some way...which would require perseverance and self-discipline. Now you know the funniest thing about those two? It takes them to develop them. The way I am, I'm like a butterfly in the wind. With no real impact on anything. Only a hope to be beautiful. And beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. To whom one butterfly would no doubt seem not too different from another. *sighs* I hate admitting that my mother is actually right about something about me. But when I look at how much I've actually done in the past few months... it isn't much. Sure, my focus has been on the social side of life... and it's been good and necessary and all. But I've abandoned pretty much everything else. And that's not good at all.

What if...

...I was a suspect for a crime I didn't commit? What if they found I was guilty?

It might sound strange, but every now and then I start thinking about it again. I know being afraid of something potentially happening is counterproductive... but I still am. That I'd be convicted for something I didn't do, and that I wouldn't be able to prove the truth. That the police or whoever would actually want me to be convicted, regardless of whether I did anything. And that would be the end of my life, at least anything good that might come of it. Yeah, I know it's one of those stupid scenarios I construct for myself, which are so unlikely to happen. But what if it happened? What if people actually seriously thought I would be capable of something generally considered evil? Could I prove I was innocent? Would it even matter? I mean, wouldn't even the fact of such a doubt cast a shadow over my life forever? What if the people in charge of the investigation are the 'evil' ones? I was just reading through some material for the psychology exam about lie detectors and things like that... and I can't help but think: what if some day I will need to use one of those? What if I'd need to prove myself innocent for whatever reason? And considering how I get nervous when I have to talk to some random shop keeper, how exactly would I be able not to be nervous when I'm being interrogated or something? And wouldn't they interpret that anxiety as a sure sign of guilt? How could I ever prove it's not, if I'd be scared beyond rational thinking?

I know, I should probably go do something else and calm down. But... what if it happened? What could I do then? What would you do?

Life is good

Strange to finally experience something I've needed so much for so long. Many things I'd need to pay more attention to that I haven't, even though I planned to... little seems to work out the way it was planned this week. But that's not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. Cause what I've found wasn't planned either. I'm only not sure if this is about walking. Or flying. Or a little of both. Oh well... I guess I'll find out with time. No need to think too much about it :-)



A recent study within the Princeton Engineering Anomalies Research Lab (PEAR lab), suggested that there is a small, though statistically measurable, link between human thought and patterns that occur in random data sets. There is no evidence as to whether this is caused by individuals unintentionally recognizing complex patterns and then molding their thoughts towards an unconsciously known result or if the thoughts of the individual are themselves affecting the random patterns in a manner of individuation. This study's results have not been replicated, and its methodologies are disputed.The PEAR lab closed at the end of February 2007, after conducting 28 years of research on the relationships and interactions between mind and matter.

(Wikipedia on synchronicity)

Endorfiinid, resonants

Tegelikult on see jõulupuhkus suurepärane.

Esperante ion... aux nenion

Mi devas ion diri, sed mi ne scias, kion kaj kiel. Pri tio, pri kio mi pensas, kion mi sentas. Mi ne scias, kio de cxio tio estas bona kaj gxusta... kiel mi devus agi, kion deziri. Cxu mi povas kredi en io, kio estas tiel nova kaj nekonata? Se cxio restas, kiel estas, mi scias, ke cxio estas bone. Se mi tion iel sxangxas, cxio povos disfali. Sed povas esti ke se mi nenion faras, mi perdas sxancon por io bela kaj grava. Mi scias, ke estus plej bone, ke mi ne farus iujn decidojn antaux reveturado al Tartu. Antaux mi almenaux povus kompari miajn sentojn en reala vivo. Povas esti ke tiam estas jam tro malfrue. Sed tiam mi scios, ke estis bone, ke mi ne prenis tiun riskon. Kion mi nun havas, estas tiel bona, ke mi ne povas gxin perdi. Certe ne pro io tiel svaga. Pro io, pri kio mi scias nur, ke gxi signifas ion sur la nivelo de animo. Tio povas esti io ajn... io, kion mi povos kunligi kun mia vivo tiel, ke nenio kaj neniu devos suferi. Jes, miaj pensoj estas ridindaj... mi scias, kio estus gxusta. Mi simple... ne scias, cxu miaj sentoj estas en la gxusta direkto.

Versxajne neniu de legantoj de tiu cxi blogo komprenas, pri kio mi cxi tie parolis. Nu jes, versxajne ecx se ili komprenus la lingvon. Mi deziris sxancon min esprimi pli libere, pli sincere. Ion diri, kvankam silenco estus pli bone. Mi estas tiel plena de io, ke gxi superfluas en vortoj. Sed mi timas, ke ecx en tiu stranga kaj nedirekta formo mi parolis tro multe. Tro multe, kvankam neniu komprenus. Preskaux neniu.

Suficxe. Nenion plu.

47,7 kg koos riietega

ehk ilmselt mitte üle 47 kg ilma nendeta. Jah, ma sain lõpuks kaalu ligi ja mingisuguse rahu hingele oma viimasel ajal tarbitud meeletute pitsakoguste osas. Muidugi tegelikult näitab kaal vähem kui igasugu ümbermõõdud, sest kaalu võivad nii paljud faktorid mõjutada. Neid peaks vaatama millalgi jälle... viimati olid nad vist suht samad kui ikka, aga ma ei tea, kas ka praegu. Ma ei saa aru, kuhu kohta läheb kogu see üleliigne rasv, mida ma näen, et see üheski mõõtmises ei kajastu. Muidugi kuniks peale mu enda silmade seda miski ega keegi ei tähelda, pole hullu ja poleks pmst ka vahet... aga kui seda hakkaks juba miski/keegi veel täheldama, oleks samas liiga hilja kuidagi omalt poolt tähelepanu pööramiseks.

Jõulupidu Gerda ja Gerly juures oli tore. Natuke nostalgiline koht justkui, aga miskipärast see nõnda ei mõjunud. Suhelda oli tore inimestega. Tundub, et sotsiaalsete oskuste tase on tõesti tõusnud. Või on lihtsalt kõik asjaolud nii teised. Vahest ma lihtsalt ei otsinud ega igatsenud sellelt koosviibimiselt enamat/muud, kui sellel pakkuda oli. Naljakas, kuidas vahel võib kõige suuremaks takistuseks millegi saavutamisel olla see, et sa seda nii väga tahad.

Gerly on õnnelik. Rohkem avatud maailmale väljaspool kuubikut. Või vahest sellest üldse välja tulnud, ma ei oska öelda. Pärast kõiki imeinimesi, kellega ma kokku puutunud olen viimaste kuude jooksul, on ta siiski üks imetlusttekitavamaid. Tõsine, kirglik, sügav, tundlik, tundeline, hingestatud. Kuigi ükski neist sõnadest ega ka kõik kokku ei anna tegelikult edasi seda, mida ma silmas pean.

Ja tegelikult tahaksin ma üldse midagi muud öelda. Aga kell on liiga palju ja ma olen viimased tund aega siia midagi kirjutada üritanud. Seega las ta jääb.

Jõuluvaheaeg

on siiani olnud mõneti sarnane oodatuga, mõneti aga kummaliselt erinev. Ei oskagi öelda, kas paremuse või halvemuse suunas. Ma tulin Pärnusse, lootuses leida üksindust, rahu, aega ja mõtteid enda ja kõige olulise jaoks, mis vahepeal unustusse jäänud. Selle asemel olen ma leidnud hoopis midagi muud. Ja ma ei oska leitusse kuidagi suhtuda. I guess who ever said everything has to be simple...

Aga ei, üksindust ja muud olen ma siiski saanud ka. Naljakas, kuidas see on viimasel ajal suht defitsiidiks muutunud. Kuna ma ei kannata oma ühikatoas eriti palju aega veeta, siis paratamatult kasutab iga võimalikku juhtu sealt eemaldumiseks... mis on tavalistelt inimestega seotud. Aga millessegi süvenemiseks on vaja omaette olla. Njah... peaks kuidagi leidma tasakaalu suhtlemise ja üksiolemise vahel. Loodetavasti saab millalgi omaette toa, siis muutub küsimus natuke kergemaks.

Ma nägin täna unes, et natsid olid siin jälle ja otsisid juute jms, et neid tappa, ja siis ma üritasin neist kaugemale jõuda, sest ma mõtlesin, et nad tahavad mind ka, kuigi ma pole juut. Huvitav, miks ma näen aeg-ajalt unes natsisid, aga pole vist veel kordagi kommuniste vms näinud... Unenäod on üldse huvitavad. Eriti need, mis eredalt meelde jäävad ja kuidagimoodi tähenduslikud tunduvad. Nagu see liblikaunenägu. Ma siiani ei tea, mida see mulle öelda tahtis. Aga see on kuidagi seotud surma, armastuse ja muutumisega. Nagu ka liblikad.

Symbols of the Butterfly

Departed souls

Round the world, butterflies are seen as the departed souls of our ancestors. Indigenous people recognise the chrysalis as the soul trapped inside in the body. The emergence of the adult butterfly symbolises the freedom of the soul upon death.

Butterflies and metamorphosis

The change from caterpillar though to the chrysalis and emergence as a butterfly is the greatest change in the animal world. It symbolises significant change in the course of one’s life, personality or way of thinking.

The caterpillar stage with its voracious appetite has been linked to insatiable materialism. The chrysalis stage represents fundamental changes occurring on the inside, for example in one’s mentality or point of view. The final adult butterfly stage is seen as the free expression of these changes in the outside world.

The emergence of a butterfly from its chrysalis symbolises transformation.

Psyche

The Greeks likened the butterfly’s constant flitting from flower to flower to the restlessness of the mind: constantly changing from subject to subject. Indeed, the Greek word for butterfly is ‘psyche’ from where we get our word ‘psychology’ – the study of the mind.

Modern day symbols

In the western world, the symbol of the butterfly stands for freedom, fun and joyous times. It is also symbolises a state of naturalness and purity.

What a strange world

I should go to sleep, but I can't, not before I've written something here. Somehow I feel that I've met one of the important people at this time in my life. Someone of substance. Deep and genuine. A mix of darkness and light which at least at first glance seems not too dissimilar from my own. Someone I've known for less than a week yet have already told some things I've told few... things that were met with uncanny understanding... and whose own words often sound as if they were my own. It's been a while since I've thought about things from that perspective... but I do wonder what the deeper meaning of this interaction is.

Or maybe I even have a clue.

But maybe it is only an assumption.

Hyde - Season's Call

Karami tsuku kazeni sakarai
Ushinatta kisetsu wo sagashite iru
Wazuka demo mezasu houkou e
Azayakana kioku ga tsuki ugokaasu

How many cuts should I repeat?
How many fates should I accept?
Does it have an end?

Itsumo karada juu wo
Kimi ga kake meguri afuresou
Dakara kowaku nai yo asu mo
Because I always feel you in me

Kawaki kita nodo e nagashita
Kimi no made
Kokoro wo uruoshitekku

How many cuts should I repeat?
How many fates should I accept?
Does it have an end?

Haruka ano tori no you
Sora wo tobi koete yuketara
Itsumo tsutaetei you ai wo
Because I always feel you in me

You taught me how to love
I feel
I can do anything

Yume ni egaku sekai wo
Kimi no me no mae ni hirogetai

Dakara kowaku nai yo asu mo

My beloved season calls me
Because I always feel you in me

Feel you... in me
I feel...


I know none of you can understand this. It doesn't matter. You don't have to.

I did it again! :-)

Suht hirmutav on mõelda, kui palju aega viimasest kirjutamiskorrast mööduda õnnestus kuni praeguseni... Aga see-eest on mul teile nüüd taas kord midagi valmis. Enjoy...



***

Päev oli palav ja päikeseline. Kõrbeses kandis, kust Barbara isaga läbi sõitis, ei paistnud kilomeetrite kaupa ühtegi elumärki peale väheste poolkuivanud puhmas- ja rohttaimede. Maantee oli samavõrd tühi - viimati sõitis neile auto vastu ligi pool tundi tagasi ning toogi üksik vana tolmune veok. Raadio siiski töötas ja sealt kostvad särtsakad poplood ergutasid mõnevõrra sõitjate väsinud meeli. Teekond seisis ees veel üpriski pikk, oma hea kuus tundi enne tollesse väikelinna jõudmist, kus onu pere koos vanaemaga elas. Ka järgmise asulani oli aega ning aknast välja vaadates mõjus maastiku üksluisus uimastavalt. Kui muusika asendus ühtlase sahinaga, üritas Barbara mõnda aega poolsuletud laugude vahelt mööduvat teed jälgida, kuid uut ei sattunud ette midagi. Auto sujuv ja ühtlane liikumine suigutas teda ning lõpuks ei saanud ta enam aru, kas näeb und või tegelikkust.

Terav jõnksatus tõi ta ärkvele tagasi. Isa vandus ja peatas auto - üks rehv oli katki läinud. Justkui ei peaks nad niigi mitu tundi oma elust selles jumalast hüljatud kõrbes veetma, tuli nüüd veel konditsioneeritud õhust välja palavuse kätte ronida ja lihaseid pingutada. Barbara ei lasknud ennast isa pahameelest häirida. Samal ajal kui viimane rehvi vahetamisega tegeles, kõndis tüdruk ringi ja uuris lähemalt ümbrust. Teispool aknaklaasi igavana paistnud kandis leidus paremal vaatamisel mõndagi põnevat. Puhmastes kasvas väikeseid kirevaid õisi, mis nägid välja nagu pisikesed tähed. Barbara proovis neid noppida, kuid varred olid liiga sitked ja jõu rakendamine tegi ainult kätele haiget. Siin-seal sattus peale mõnele tundmatule putukale, kes mingi taime sees päikese eest varjus istus. Maapinnast õhkus kuumust, pilku silmapiirile tõstes võis näha, kuidas kaugem ümbrus hakanuks justkui aurustuma. See oli teistmoodi maailm, erinev Barbara koduümbrusest ja muust tuttavast. Pere harvadel sõitudel läbi kõrbe polnud nad varem seal kunagi peatunud. Vahest tajus vaid tema tolle kandi kummalisust... ja kummalist tuttavlikkust.

Juba too palavus ise meenutas midagi, kandus temani justkui mingist kaugest ja ammuununenud ajastust. Kivid, liiv, maantee, viimase kõrvale visatud üksik katkine rehv... nad olid tuttavad, aga ei olnud ka. Õieti kuulusid nad kusagile mujale, sinnasamasse koos päikeselõõsaga, higiga Barbara nahal ja tundega, mis tüdrukut täitis. See oli segu ärevusest, ootusest ja millestki küllastumisest, pooleldi äratundmine ja pooleldi mõte, et maastik peaks olema õige pisut teistmoodi.

Kujutluspilt kerkis tema silme ette eredalt nagu mälestus. Päev, kõrb, kuumad päikesekiired. Mõnisada meetrit pikk betoonist müür, mille otsa oli tõmmatud okastraat. Vana lagunev telliskividest torn kaugemal sellest väljaspool. Pisike majalobudik seespool nägemisulatuses. Betoonist plats, eredas päikesevalguses valusalt hele. Natuke kaugemal hunnik rehve, kõrval teine samasugune muudest autode tükkidest ja jubinatest. Veel kaugemal kuhjades igasugu prügi, suured rämpsukünkad, mis küündisid müüridest kõrgemale. Majalobudiku vastas seismas üks lagunenud minibuss. Keegi mees teksades ja punase nokamütsiga. Tema kõrval ligi seitsmeaastane poiss, kes isukalt hallitanud saiatükki sõi. Sealsamas tema ise, vaatamas neid kahte ja ümbrust, tuttavat ümbrust vanade kaaslastega.

Vaid veel natuke ja ta võinuks nendega rääkida, vaadata toda maailma läbi ehtsate silmade, hingata sisse selle tolmust ja saastatud õhku. Kas ei olnud ta oma kodus kui võõras, kas ei jäänud ta perekond talle alati kaugeks? Ta ei mäletanud, ent kuidagi teadis, et kõik oli olnud teistmoodi, äratundmatult teistmoodi. Too kujutlus tõi temani rohkem kui vanemate jutud ja ilusaid pilte täis fotoalbumid. Karm ja ohtlik, räpane ja vaene oli see maailm. Vabadus ja julgus tähendas seal rohkem kui vaid sõnakõlksu. Mandunud ja metsik... kuid kas taltsutatus ei tee tuimaks? Haige, saastunud maailm. Tema maailm?

Surev maailm. Ainult mina olen järel. Ainult siin on mul lootust. Ärevus ja pinge moondusid õuduseks, vastikuseks nägemuse vastu. Ta võis peaaegu tunda prügimägede haisu. Kaugemale, ainult kaugemale tajutavast, tagasi isa juurde, argiellu, et ta võiks noil hetkil kõrbes kogetu igaveseks unustada... Ta ei mäletanud. Ta ei tahtnud mäletada. Ainult siin on mul lootust. Et too teine maailm teda kunagi tagasi ei nõuaks.

"Valmis sain, tule nüüd!" Isa hääl tõi Barbara tähelepanu ümbruse juurde tagasi. Oli vaid kõrb, tee ja auto, mille poole tüdruk kiiruga jooksis. "Leidsid sa jalutades midagi huvitavat?" "Ei, mitte midagi erilist." "Varsti peaksime lõpuks sellest pärapõrgust välja jõudma ka. Kui me mingist linnast läbi sõidame, otsime mõne koha, kus süüa saab. Ostame jäätist ka, seda sa ju tahaksid?" "Jaa, kindlasti!" Auto sees olev jahe õhk tundus pärast kõrvetavat päikest taevalikuna. Barbara pani raadio tööle ning leidis pärast natukest otsimist mõnusa muusikaga jaama. Üksluine maastik möödus teispool akent, ilma et mõni suurem kivigi endale tähelepanu pöörama kutsunuks. Poolsuletud laugude vahelt üritas tüdruk teed jälgida ja mõtles rahulolevalt eesootavast õhtust onu pere juures.

Still got hope

Made myself a list of things to work on. I'll be surprised if I actually follow through with it all :-P but hey, who knows. I feel fabulous right now, it's amazing how you can go from low to high in just an hour or two with a small change in perspective. It's probably a good thing I've been feeling so distressed today really, because there's some hope that now I really will get to doing something rather than just talking about doing something :-)

Pointlessness

Just feel down and stupid. I'm not any good for anyone. Just some random person who does nothing. Nothing of any lasting value, anyway. Not good enough, not smart enough, not diligent enough, not social enough, not beautiful enough, not anything enough... not enough to stand out, to make a difference. And that's not something I can accept and live with. Maybe other people can, maybe it's "normal" and "healthy" and whatnot, but I just can't. I can't be a grey mouse. A mediocre replaceable person. But I am just that in everything I do. Excellence in schoolwork means absolutely nothing in the real world. Other than that, there's nothing really. Just this... person, who might as well disappear, and it wouldn't change anything. But what can I really do to change that? I can't think of what I could reasonably learn or do or change about myself to make things different. Small changes I can make, but they don't really shake the world around me. Coming to Tartu was a big change, but somehow I'm stuck in a rut again. It's very different from what it was like in Pärnu, but I'm still stuck. Stuck and mediocre. I don't even know where I want to be... what I want to be.

I have to figure out what it is that I want to do. Right now I just know I can't keep on going the way I have. Something has to change, and not a little. I have to find some more specific goals and a way to keep myself working on reaching them. But I don't know what would be enough.

Restless

I want to do something productive. The way it is right now, I just feel so totally useless. And by "productive", I don't mean studying and stuff... it's good when done for oneself, but it doesn't make the slightest bit of a difference for the world if I get an A or a C for a test or exam. I've barely ever done anything of use to anyone other than myself, and that feels so wrong when I think about it. I'm not sure what to do about it, though... or, well, I have some ideas, but don't know how to make them happen.

Maybe I should try to write. It's been ages since I wrote anything.

Unine päev

Läksin eile magama kella 1 paiku, ärkasin kell 9, panin äratuskella kinni ja magasin kella 15-ni. Kella 19 paiku jõudis kohale, et psühholoogide jõulupidu pidi olema kell 18-21 ning mul ilmselt pole enam mõtet sinna minna. Istusin arvuti taga, tuletasin meelde hiraganat ja katakanat ja esperanto keele mingeid asju. Täiendasin oma fotokollektsiooni. Varsti läheb ilmselt toakaaslane magama ja siis liigub Uru poole... ma vähemalt eeldan, et Mialee või keegi seal ikka on. Kui ei ole, siis... noh... alati võib ühika köögis "A Clash Of Kings"'i edasi lugeda. Jah, uskumatult mõttetu päev. Kuigi viimasel ajal on enamiku päevadega tunne, et tegelikult on nad kuidagi raisatud, kuivõrd nauditavad nad ka poleks. Üksipäini nauding ei saaks minu jaoks elu mõte olla. Ta on tähtis, vajalik, kuid mitte ainutähtis. Mul on olnud imeline "pikendatud suvepuhkus", aga see ei saa päris niimoodi edasi kesta. Mingit eesmärki on vaja, mingit sihti, mille suunas tegutseda ja areneda. Tegelikult on need sihid ju olemas ka, aga... ma ei tea... ma pean nad enda jaoks paremini üles leidma.

Need to say more

Don't know what to say, but need to say something.

"Ocean Soul" by Nightwish reminds me of another dark light in my life. Once ages ago in another world. Sometimes even illusory illumination is appreciated. Looking back, I still do. Even without true understanding on either side, sometimes it is enough to believe in a dream. Although I never really did, until the very end. I wish I had... it wouldn't have changed anything. But now that I'm more sure than ever that it was illusion, I wish I had believed in it even more.

I wish there was something true to believe in now.

Online people

Got an email from Dave today. Was nice to hear from him. Reminded me how I've been even more terrible than usual at keeping in touch with people. Even though the few people I still try to keep in touch with from abroad, they really are important to me.

The Danish guy. It's absurd, but I'm thinking about him again. I know the chances of finding him on the net again are very small... I guess that's why I write about it here, because I can't talk with him and nobody would really understand how or why he's important, but I need to say this somewhere. I wonder if he remembers me. The girl who called him dark dragon. The girl who thought she knew so much about everything and yet knew so little... but maybe, just maybe she could be forgiven, having been so young?

Although maybe the person I long to find exists only in my mind. Maybe the marvel I saw was only a dream of mine. I guess I'll never know. Or... maybe I will? Somehow, some way...

I should think more about my other online friends, though... or I might lose them too... I don't know what I'd do then.

To be on a quest

Satisfaction. Is wonderful. What would I do if I had to choose between what I have and the great unknown? I no longer know, I never thought I'd end up having so much it might be hard to give it up. Still I dream of that something, the quest, the journey through worlds and meanings of my longing. Greater than this everyday life. Would I be willing to give up this everyday life now, though? Willing to take the chance, break free from all I've tried so hard to reach within the mundane. I don't know. And maybe that's the best answer. What would be the significance of making a choice if the choice was obvious?

Who knows if it's a choice I'll ever have to make. More than likely it is just a fantasy I've not grown out of... I hope I'll never grow out of. I guess now that I don't need to hide into my fantasies, I can discover which ones have true deeper meaning for me.

I think I'm doing good at learning to walk. Maybe now it is finally time to learn to fly.

If I only knew if I really have wings. And a world to discover.

Tasakaal

Essee on tehtud. Sotsioloogia test on tehtud. Semester on peaaegu läbi. Varsti on jõulud. Siis lähen ma nädalaks Pärnusse. Aga seni on veel aega.

Jah, minu tuba on seda väärt, et Tartu inimestest ja tegemistest mõnda aega eemal olla. Ma ei oska seda tunnet sõnades kirjeldada, mis sellele mõeldes tekib, kui kujutleda ennast seal muusikat kuulamas ja/või lihtsalt maailma Tunnetamas. See ei ole lihtsalt koht, kus ma viimased 5-6 aastat oma vaba aega veetsin. See võib ka seda olla muidugi. Aga seal on lisaks veel midagi... midagi, mida lausa sealsest õhust tunda võib. Midagi maagilist. Midagi mulle olulist. See on koht, kus kõik mu ümber mind toetab ja mulle energiat annab. Koht, kus ma olen samal ajal ümbritsevast maailmast eraldatud ja samas rohkem avatud kui kusagil mujal... ja kuigi keegi ei saa sinna siseneda (kui ma sinna vähegi midagi parata saan), saan ma Interneti kaudu peaaegu ükskõik kellega ühendust võtta, kui soovin. Ilmselt saab seda niimoodi teadvustada ainult lühikest aega pärast pikemat eemalolekut sealt. Aga see kõik on tõesti seal olemas. Nüüd ma siis tean.

Aga Tartu on võimaluste linn. Kui ma võimalustele avatud olen. Tasakaal ja vaheldus on head märksõnad. Pean mõne koha pealt vist mõõdukam olema, et head asja liiga palju ei saaks. Näis, mis sellest välja tuleb.

Elu on vahel nii ilus. :)

The dark Danish guy

I still want to get in touch with him again. I know it's close to impossible now. But I can wish for it, right?

Jälle Tartus

Essee on umbes pooleldi valmis. Ideed on jälle otsas, aga pole hullu, vähemalt midagi juba tehtud. Kolmapäeval on sotsioloogias töö ka, milleks õppima peaks... ja kui töö ja essee kaelast ära saab, tuleb sotsioloogia referaat. Joy. Aga pole hullu... kui võrrelda seda Sütevakaga, siis... mille üle ma siin nüüd kaebangi? Ennast kokku võtta ja natuke pingutada millegagi seoses on iseenesest hea. Kuigi see essee tekitab küll tunnet, et miks ennast vaevata, kui see niikuinii kellelegi tegelikult korda ei lähe. Njah, olgem ausad, minupoolse motivatsiooni tekkeks on tarvis, et tulemus egole mõju avaldaks. Filosoofia olümpiaadiks esseed kirjutada on puhas rõõm, sest seal silmapaistmine tähendab midagi. Massidele mõeldud sotsiokultuurilise psühholoogia raames seda teha... tekitab mõttetuse tunnet. Sest see ei tähenda absoluutselt midagi absoluutselt kellelegi, kui välja arvata (loodetavasti) mõned punktid juurde minu tulemusele selles aines, mis siiski mulle soovitavad on. Samas ei tähendanud muidugi ka koolikirjandid kellelegi midagi, aga ikka sai nende kallal pingutatud ja häid tulemusi saadud. Eks ta ole, laiskus või midagi...


Vares on hämmastavalt korralik õppija. Imetlusväärne iseenesest. Huvitav, kuidas ta jaksab. Kooliasjadega reaalselt tegelevad meessoo esindajad on minu jaoks endiselt kurioosum. Nagu ka süüa teha oskavad meessoo esindajad. Kuigi viimane tuleneb puhtalt tõigast, et mu isa kulinaarsete oskuste tase on õrnroosaka varjundiga piimjasvalge borši keetmine... jah, see juhtus üle kümne aasta tagasi, aga see OLI üks mäletamistväärt supp... ja ega see oligi ilmselt tema tippsaavutus köögis. Kuigi ma ei tea, kuidas tal praegu sellega. Ta on ikkagi pidanud juba suht pikka aega ise ennast söötma. Aga vast saab ta seal Inglismaal ka piisavalt raha, et väljas süüa või toitu koju osta või midagi.

Nojah, tegelikult tahtsin ma siia midagi mõttekamat kirjutada... aga mingi teine kord vast.

Pärnus

Kummaline päev. Õndsus ja stress. Peaksin siia sagedamini sattuma... siin on mu tuba. Mu kindlus ja draakonikoobas. Koht, kus kõik mu ümber toetab mind ja meenutab mulle, kes ma olen. See on üks asi, mida mul Tartus ei ole. Tartus on palju, peaaegu kõik... aga seda ei ole.

Esseed peaks kirjutama tegelikult, aga see on see asi, mida kohe absoluutselt teha ei taha praegu. Sealt ka too stressipool. Õndsus... poleks vist õige isegi üritada seda sõnadesse panna. Kui mul see ainult meeles oleks, Tartusse minnes ikka meeles oleks. Hommikumaaränd.

Inimesed ilusad ja head

3 kuud Tartus. 3 parimat kuud minu elus. Kuud, mille märksõnadeks on olnud sõprus, vabadus ja rõõm. Kus aeg võiks määramatult venida, sest pole ootust ega igatsust millegi kättesaamatu parema järele. Praegu ongi see parem. Aeg, kus ma võin Goblini või Mialee juukseid sasida ja neil pole selle vastu midagi. Kus ma võin Dani ja teistega Urus ööbida ning tunda ennast mingil kummalisel viisil eriliselt koduselt. Kus ma võin Taliesiniga mööda surnuaedu jalutada ja rääkida - Rääkida. Aeg, kus on Vares.

Ma ei tea, mis sellest kõigest edasi saab. Kas midagi nii head võib püsima jääda. Tahaks loota, et võib. Praegu on tunne, et polegi kunagi midagi muud olnud. Et praegune on ainuke, mis päris. Kuigi mõtlema hakates on just praeguse reaalsus kõige raskemini usutav. See on lihtsalt sedavõrd erinev kõigest senikogetust. Aga kui ma kord juba siia jõudnud olen, siis ei saa see kõik ju enam olematuks muutuda... Isegi kui kõik kaduma peaks, jääks vähemalt mälestus. Kuigi ma ei tea, kui palju kasu on mälestustest. Kas sellest piisaks, kui ma teaksin, et kunagi olen ma õnnelik olnud. Julge ja vaba ja õnnelik.

Miks ma seda niivõrd rõhutan? Sest kui ei rõhutaks, läheks see aeg pooleldi raisku... ja see on selleks liiga vähene ja väärtuslik.

It's snowing outside

Lately I've been more honest with people than normal. Gone beyond the borders of what is definitely acceptable. Not that I usually lie to people. But I've said some things I didn't expect myself to say to anyone. I hope it's not something I'd have to regret in the future.

Listening to a song right now that reminds me of Jari. We've practically not talked at all for ages. I don't have a clue how he's doing these days, what's going on in his life. I hope it's great for him there in Pärnu. Knowing him has been a gift I probably still fail to appreciate fully. It's given me an idea of the ideal I want to strive towards. It's given me an experience of something so very deep and important on a very human level. Taught me so much... about that which is too sacred to be named. I met up with Curunir the day before yesterday and we talked about selfishness, corruptedness and intrigues (among other things). About how easy it is to just start going about manipulating with people, thinking about nothing else besides your own fun and pleasure. I hope the things I've learned this year will stay with me and I will stay true to my ideals. And I really hope I've been able to give Jari something good, too. It would just be so wrong for it to be one-sided this way round.

Oh well. It's just some bittersweet memories. Disturbing and beautiful in a strange way. Maybe it's for the best. The way it was. That it's quite certainly in the past now. I'm happy where I am. I've found the bunch of people that make me feel good. I'm free. Jari... I don't know. I guess I'm the one who's been avoiding going to Pärnu as much as possible. But I doubt it'd make much difference if I went there every weekend. I guess I knew from the beginning we had limited time to learn what there was to learn from each other. That Tartu would be a new life for me. And giving up the chance of that would be too much of a sacrifice, and a useless one at that.


Just curious. Does anyone know anybody who's intelligent and had a happy childhood? Or does that, like, just not happen?

Raamatud

Taas kord Taliesini eeskujul. Masendav 15/106. Njah, to-read list aina pikeneb... vähemalt ei ole Taliesin selle nimekirja järgi minust siiski NII palju ees.




Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: A Novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex
Quicksilver
Wicked: the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: A Novel
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible: A Novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes: A Memoir
The God of Small Things
A People’s History of the United States: 1492-Present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: A Novel
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: A True Account of a Multiple Murder and its Consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Elu on kummaline

Kummaliselt keeruline. Ja kummaliselt hea. Mõnikord mõlemat korraga samadel põhjustel.

Ma ei taha inimestele haiget teha. Aga vahel on see vist paratamatu, varem või hiljem. Ja mõnikord on varem see ainuke õige lahendus.

Unine suvepärastlõuna, ma sõidan bussis Tartu suunas ja kuulan ühte lugu, mis mõjub nagu unistus mingisugusest teisest elust. Võimalik, et selline maailm selliste inimestega eksisteerib ainult minu mõistuses. Mingi edasiarendus kunagistest kujutlustest. Kuidas küll oleks elada, Elada, olla üks selle maheda hoovusega, mis päikesest küllastunud maastikus nii tuntav on?
Ma olen sellele maailmale nii lähedal, nii lähedal...
On keegi veel, kes sellele nii lähedal on.
Nii lihtne, nii ilus, nii õige.
Kuidas saab küll miski nii õigena tunduda.

Life is amazing

I'm not really sure what more to say. Just had to say something.



Vares.


Yes, that is enough.

Taliesin

ja tema blogis olev loetud raamatute nimekiri on mulle jätnud sedavõrd kustumatu mulje, et ma otsustasin nüüd ise ka midagi taolist pidama hakata. Esialgne tunne on, et olen ikka masendavalt vähe lugenud viimasel ajal... kuigi kui aus olla, siis asjaolud, mis selle tinginud on, mind just eriti kurvaks ei tee. Ega kõik ei saagi olla nagu Taliesin :-) Et miski saaks eriline olla, peab seda olema vähe. Väärismetalle peetaksegi sellepärast väärtuslikeks, et neid raske leida...

Butterflies and dreams

In my tonight's dream I saw that Heinrich and Mialee were together. Mialee was going to die soon and Heinrich said that he'd die with her. That made me really sad. I met up with Goblin and Dani, and Goblin told me how there's no point in being sad over people's death, because it happens with everyone eventually. Or something like that. I don't remember exactly what he said. I do remember it didn't make me feel any better. Then at some point I looked out of a window and saw big beautiful butterflies mating. Together in pairs, their wings resembled the shape of hearts.

I think the dream has a message. Only I'm not sure what it is.

LARP

Got my first experience with that today. It was awesome! Not the most classical thing, as far as I can understand, so I don't know how well I can make any generalizations based on this experience... but awesome. It was a theatre in some weird-named non-existing country, we had to perform "Don Juan" (the version with time travel :-P)... it turned out the performance was to actual people from the street, which spiced things up a bit. I was an actress - the only actress in the theatre, as it turned out... and I played Don Juan, the guys played the ladies, and a stool played my companion! So that was rather interesting. And fun. I do feel like I want to do something like this again. :-)

Armastada ja õnnelik olla

Mu süda on nagu pisike päike, mis kiirgab ümbrusesse soojust. Hetkel pole see ühelegi konkreetsele inimesele suunatud, pigem sütitatud üldisest rõõmu- ja heaolutundest. Elu ei saa ega peagi olema ideaalne... aga kuniks selles on väikeseid imelisi õnne- ja äratundmise hetki, võib see olla hea. Naljakas on tunda midagi taolist reaalselt oma elu osas. Üldise, pmst igapäevase elu, mitte mingite ebatavaliste suursündmuste osas. Ma ei tea, kui kaua mingi taoline kogemus kesta võib. Aga ma olen tänulik selle eest, et ta on. Tänulik kõigele ja kõigile, tänu millele ja kellele see võimalik on.

Pärnus

Siin on toredam, kui mõtlesin. Kuna mul õnnestus külmetada (milline üllatus tõepoolest), siis olen ma kodus arvuti taga istunud. Tegelikult kavatsesin igasugu asju teha, inimestega kokku saada jne. Aga raisku ei läinud see aeg sugugi. Mul õnnestus terve lehekülje võrra ühte vana juttu edasi kirjutada. Jah, ma suutsin kirjutada. Edasi ühte vana juttu. Terve lehekülje. Selliseid imesid võiks sagedamini juhtuda. Hmm. Ja mingite selliste asjadega, mida ma reaalselt kellelegi teisele lugeda anda võiksin. Vähemalt lootust on edaspidiseks.

Soe tunne tekib sees, kui mõelda sellele, et maailmas on tarku, ilusaid ja häid inimesi. Lihtsalt nii imeliselt hea ja õige. Ja üks linn siin riigis, kuhu nad koonduvad.

Natuke elu

Eile sai Daniga Toomemäel kloostri varemetes piknikku peetud. See oli tore. Mati tuli ka sinna ja pärast läksime kolmekesi Urgu, kus rääkisime igasugu huvitavatel teemadel, kuni magama jäime. Urus on külm magada, aga siiski oli see hea. Kodune. Kogu see õhkkond on mingil kummalisel viisil kodune ja hea. Hommikul (või no, meie jaoks hommikul) rääkisime veel mitmesugustest asjadest. Lõpuks jõudis mulle kohale, et võiks liikuma hakata, kui Jariga kokku saada tahan. Jari on Tartus. Saime kesklinnas kokku, olime Crepp'is ja siis minu ühikas. See oli nii teistmoodi. Me pole nii ammu pikemalt suhelnud... raske oli ühele lainele saada. Me mõlemad oleme muutunud - mina ilmselt rohkem kui tema - ja samas ka mitte. Jah. Ma ei tea. Ma tahaksin praegu midagi öelda, aga ma ei oska.

Ma lähen nüüd jälle Urgu. Ma tahan seda head tunnet.

:-)

Yesterday was something amazing. Well, recently I've had that feeling about more days than not. But last night (after I'd left Urg with the thought of going to sleep) we walked around Tartu with Vares and talked. It was so... different. Different in a good way. I guess you could just say that it was something good. There is something so very good about talking with him.

Teistsugusus jne

Avastasin juhuslikult, et mu rohkem kui kolm aastat tagasi peetud blogi on siiski alles. Imelik oli seda lugeda. Ma olen palju muutunud, tõesti palju... elu mu ümber veelgi rohkem. Samas mingisugune põhiolemus on samaks jäänud. Kummaline mõelda, et kunagi ma olin too inimene, elasin toda elu. See tundub nüüd peaaegu võimatu. Vahest on see alati nii, et reaalse/normaalsena tundub vaid see, mis siin ja praegu. Miskipärast ma küll arvan, et mul on märksa rohkem alust pidada normaalseks praegust varianti...

Tegelikult tahtsin ma enne tolle blogi otsa sattumist kirjutada sellest, et me olime eile kuni täna Daniga Kadrinas Curuniril külas. Me hääletasime Rakveresse (järjekordne uus kogemus minu jaoks), kus sattusime Seemnekese otsa, ja läksime sealt bussiga Kadrinasse. Curuniri juurde olid juba jõudnud Goblin ja Erlessa. Enamjaolt me istusime köögis ja suhtlesime, nii eile kui ka täna. Ma ei mäletagi enam täpselt, millest me rääkisime, aga see oli tore. Tagasi jõudsime kuskil paar tundi tagasi... ja nagu ma ennustasin, tahaks praegu juba kusagile jälle minna.


Jah... rollimängijad. Kuigi rollimängu endaga seoses mul nendega eriti millestki rääkida pole (vähemalt praegu), meeldivad nad mulle inimestena lihtsalt nii väga. St, ilmselt leidub igasuguseid ja isegi mina olen praeguseks... igasugustega kokku puutunud. Aga üldjoontes on nad targad, ilusad, fantaasiarikkad, keerulised ja... hmm... alternatiivsed. Teistsugused. Enamiku jaoks. Minu jaoks vähemalt võrdlemisi sarnased. Omad? Ma ei tea... ei saa teha üldistusi nende mõne nädala põhjal. Aga nendega koos on nii hea ja õige. Sellest ajast, kui ma padunewage'lusest lahku lõin, olen ma tahtnud nendetaoliste inimestega tutvuda. Aega läks, aga asja sai? Vähemalt tundub saavat.

Rebaste ristimine

oli ootamatult tore. Me saime hullusärkides mööda linna ringi joosta ja igasugu asju teha. Pärast oli pidu. Jah, esimene psühholoogide pidu, mida ma nautisin. Millest ma reaalselt osa võtsin. Suhtlesin. Andsin oma soovidele (võrdlemisi) vaba voli. Ma sain rääkida, isegi tantsida... lõbutseda. Imelik, kuni tänaseni polnud ma õieti aru saanud, mida selle all silmas peetakse. Jälle üks uus kogemus. Muidugi ei olnud see täiuslik. Aga mis üldse on?

Ma tutvusin ühe kolmanda kursuse tegelasega, kes on ka INFP. Sarnane tõmbab sarnast? Tema arvas, et ma olen ekstravert. Naljakas on kuulda kedagi seda arvamas. Kuigi täna õhtul ma ilmselt tõesti käitusin suhteliselt mitteintrovertselt. Mul on üldse praegu mitteintrovertne faas. Näis, kuhu see edasi areneb.

Aga nüüd ma magama. Kell on juba... suht vara hommikul.

Darkness, light and beyond

Cloudy grey outside. Just sitting in my room and thinking about things. I've got so much food for thought. So much new information. I've dulled my perceptions to the degree that every new experience fades in my mind almost as soon as it's over, and I'm already waiting for the next one. But if I just let everything pass away, I don't really learn anything from it.

At least I know that while I've come to live on the light side of life, I have not forgotten the darkness. Maybe that's what you need to be a healer. A healer... yes. It's part of my calling. Even if I don't have the full picture yet.

An intermediary between this world and that. Astral? Archetypal? Spiritual? Whatever the name. It is there for me. And it is beautiful. Even if it is only glimpses. Even if it is not even that much for others around me. For me it is real. Meaningful. A connection I need to be whole. A connection that in a way makes up the best of what I am. What would Jung call it... the collective unconscious? The realm of the divine Self? Fire and water, space and sky and ocean. The Sun and the Moon and the stars. Symbols. Beyond words. Maybe that is why I'm not afraid to give away too much of myself. The most sacred I could not share even if I so wanted to.

Yet without that I am nothing. An empty shell, having nothing but the world around to give importance to.

I want to be close to people. I want to be close to myself. There has to be a way for me to have both. Right now I feel I have neither. I've rarely had more reason to be happy than I do now. Happy and thankful. Oh, and I am. I am so very much. I'm just a little bit lost as well.

Although a little bit less lost right now. Yesterday I met some people and we talked. And I remembered a promise I'd made to myself, one I don't know how to fulfil, but somehow I'll find a way.

Just thinking

There are some things important to me that I'm uncomfortable talking about or even focusing my interest on, because I'm afraid of what others around me might think... afraid it might bring some negative reaction. There are some things I know can bring a negative reaction. I don't want that to happen. But at the same time I also don't want to change something about me that I feel is positive, just because somebody else might feel otherwise. I don't know which side is stronger.

Õnnis põrumine

Ehk siis eile oli väitlusturniir. Ma olin paaris Renéga. Ja kuigi ma kindla peale kohtade jaotust ei tea, on suhteliselt ebatõenäoline, et kellelgi meist veel hullemini läks. Arvestades seda, kui suurte raskustega toimus meie mõttevahetus valmistumise ajal, polegi see vast üllatav tegelikult. Kummagi ideed lihtsalt ei jõudnud kuidagi päriselt teiseni, kuigi me tõesti üritasime. Vähemalt nüüd ma tean kindlalt, et meil ei tule see koos välja. Kuigi alati võib seda väljakutsena võtta ning just pikemat aega intensiivselt üritada vastavat koostööd arendada. Aga ilmselt on kergem minna lihtsamat teed.

Vähemalt sain ma näha elavat tõestust sellele, et kusagilt intellektitasemelt alustades muutub igasuguste lihtsate asjade tegemine raskeks, sest inimese enda mõtlemine on nii keerukas. Mitte et väitlus just vast eriti hea näide "lihtsatest asjadest" oleks, aga vaadata/kuulda, kuidas teine loob valmistudes seoseid erinevate mõistete/ideede vahel umbes 5-mõõtmelises ruumis ja üritab filosoofiliselt põhjendada erinevate terminite kasutamist oma kõnes... on omaette kogemus. Kuigi suht kõik, mis Renésse puutub, on omaette kogemus. Ja see on tore. Tema on tore. Olgu koostööga väitluses, kuidas on, aga väljaspool seda temaga vestelda on midagi erilist. Kahju, et selleks siiani nii vähe võimalusi olnud.

Dani

I couldn't finish the day without stating: she's awesome!

Oh yes, and if you ever wondered what it means to be the INFP personality type, see the short story below (Estonian-only, I'm afraid). Or, of course, you can go and read Hesse :)

I did it!

Yes, yes, a miracle has happened! I finally, finally after more than 6 years of wanting to do it, wrote that short story! (Many thanks here to Edvin, thanks to talking to whom yesterday I probably finally got around to it today.) Unfortunately for all non-Estonians reading, it's in Estonian... but I hope the rest of you enjoy :) Yes, I got the idea for this a bit more than 6 years ago. *feels like she could fly off the ground from the exhilaration* So then, the story itself...




Valgusesse


Annaga oli midagi valesti.
Ruth tundis seda, tundis nagu kõike, mis ta kaksikõesse puutus. Ta oli ärganud mingi ebamäärase ärevuse peale, teadmata põhjust, ent tajudes selle kiireloomulisust. Mõne hetke istus ta voodis ning üritas oma viieaastase mõistusega aru saada, mis teda häiris. Toas valitses rahu, öises vaikuses võis kuulda ainult Anna hingamist. Segaduses tõusis Ruth püsti ning hiilis tasakesi õe sängi juurde teda vaatama. Anna kohale kummardudes nägi ta, et kaksiku silmad olid pärani - ka tema ei saanud magada. Kas ta oli Ruthi kutsunud?

"Kas sul on paha olla?"
"Mul on külm."
"Aga siin on ju palav. Miks sul külm on?"
"Ma ei tea. Lihtsalt on."
"Tahad ma toon sulle oma teki?"
"Aga sul on ju ka vaja."
"Ma tulen ise ka sinu juurde."
"Too siis."

Ruth läks oma voodi juurde tagasi ja sikutas tekki, kuni sai selle kätte võtta. Tekk oli raske, ta ei jaksanud seda hästi tõsta. Aeglaselt vedas Ruth seda mööda põrandat Anna poole. Tirimine nõudis päris suurt pingutust. Tõbisena nõudis kõik päris suurt pingutust. Mõlemad kaksikud olid õige mitu päeva tagasi haigeks jäänud ja põdesid ikka veel. Kui Ruth aga ennast vahepeal juba paremini tundis ja mängida tahtis, siis Anna lamas ikka samamoodi vaikselt edasi ja isegi ei rääkinud eriti. Nüüdki pidi tervem õde viimast jõudu kokku võttes üksinda teki tema peale tõmbama, et seejärel Anna juurde linade vahele ronida.

"On sul nüüd soojem?"
"Ei ole."

Ruth tundis, kuidas Anna tema kõrval üleni värises, ise kuum ja higine. Midagi oli toimumas, midagi tõesti valesti, aga ta ei saanud aru, mis. Nad olid õega eluaeg teineteise mõtteid teadnud, tegutsenud pigem ühe terviku kui kahe eraldi inimesena. Nüüd tajus Ruth vaid seda, et Anna oli temast eemal, harjumatult eemal. Ta võttis vaikselt lamava kaksikõe ümbert kinni ja nihkus veel lähemale, kuid see ei aidanud. Lõpuks Anna sosistas:

"Ma pean minema. Sinna üles."
"Kuhu üles?"
"Valgusesse. Kas sa ei näe seda?"
"Ei. Mis seal on?"
"Ma ei tea. See on ilus."
"Kuidas sa lähed sinna?"
"See tõmbab mind enda poole."
"Miks see mind ei tõmba?"
"Võib-olla sa ei pea veel sinna minema. Sa ju isegi ei näe seda."
"Aga ma tahan minna. Ma ei taha siia üksi jääda."

Pimeduses eristusid ähmaselt toas paiknevate mööblitükkide piirjooned. Ruth surus end veel rohkem Anna vastu ja üritas näha laes seda valgust, mis ta kaksikõele paistis. Ta tundis, kuidas iga hetkega muutus nendevaheline side üha nõrgemaks. Anna eemaldus temast, liikus talle kättesaamatu maailma poole. Meeleheitlikult üritas ta õest kinni hoida, säilitada kaduvat ühendust, näha läbi Anna silmade toda imelist kiirgust. Kogu oma lapselikus siiruses palus ta valgust, et see teda kaasa võtaks, ennast talle ilmutaks. Ta palus ja hoidis, kuni tema mõistus Anna omaga ühte voolas. Koos tundsid nad külma. Koos tõmbas neid miski. Tuba oli imelist helevioletset kuma täis.

"Ma näen nüüd. Ma tulen sinuga."
"Lähme siis."

Koos liikusid nad valgusesse.

Trying new things

René was at the debate club meeting today and we had a very interesting chat afterwards. Much food for thought. About going beyond yourself and self-imposed limitations, being open to experiences and daring enough to go for them, to do what you really want to rather than what you think you "ought to". I've definitely had lots of novelty these days... but at the same time I'm afraid to go beyond certain limits, to act in ways that "aren't me" on the one hand and express dimensions of me that might be "far out" to others on the other hand. Although maybe right now I actually need those limits in a way, because with all the changes I do need to have some idea of where I'm going... at least I probably needed them before. Right now, I'm not sure any more.

I think I need to be more "here", more present, to make better use of my time. My life is far from boring, but it is also far from all that it could be. I could do more in every direction. Be myself and explore who I am within more... explore the aspects of life and ways of acting/being previously unknown to me... be the active participant, the doer... be the watcher, the observer... Maybe it's that most things are coming pretty easy for me now, I don't have to do much, and therefore I don't do much. I spend more time with people than I ever did in Pärnu (except for this summer maybe), but I'm not really sure how much I'm learning from it.

I've discovered that sometimes it's good to just communicate with people for the fun and enjoyment of it... but if it just stays at that level, then it doesn't really give you anything, get you anywhere. You need the experience of everyday talk, but if it doesn't go beyond that, there's no real substance to it. With René, it always goes beyond, there's always substance. But I don't really have to do much for that, either. He's just special like that. With just about everyone else, I feel I'm stuck at the everyday level. To some degree it's natural because many/most people I talk with these days are new acquaintances, and there's enough to discover on the everyday level with them. Though then again, is it really? I don't really know all that much about René, and yet our conversations (as many/few as we've had of them) have always had real substance.

Maybe I'm just not making the effort. I'm just staying in the comfort zone. As far as being myself goes, as far as exploring new ways of being goes, as far as other people go. It IS kind of understandable, life is quite interesting without me needing to go beyond right now. But I've lived in Tartu for over a month now. And I don't want to get stuck in this state. Personal growth is essential.

Jälle sünnipäevalt

Seekord siis Laura ja Kunni omalt. Vana hea seltskond. Jah, ka see on olemas. Ja hea. Naljakas mõelda. Nendelt õppisin ma lihtsa inimlikkuse väärtust. Seda, et alati ei pea olema sügavat hingesugulust või kõrgelennulisi filosoofilisi arutlusi. Et mõnikord - sageli - loeb hoolimine, koosolemine, jagatud rõõm, mingisugusel igapäevasel tasandil läheduse tundmine. Et see ongi see, millel inimsuhted tegelikult põhinevad. Vähemalt praegu ma tunnen, et nendest õppetundidest on kasu olnud. Kuigi ma tean, et ma ei ole veel kaugeltki kõike omandanud. Aga elu olekski igav, kui kõik oleks juba käes.

Nüüd olen ma siis ära kogenud mõlemad äärmused - või vähemalt mõlemad pooled - ja peaks vähemalt teoorias proovima leida nendevaheline tasakaal. Tasakaal enda ja teiste vahel. Fritz Riemann leidis, et see on üks inimese põhidilemmasid. (Seega pole vast hullu, kui ma ideaallahenduseni välja ei jõua?) Praegu on teised mulle väga tähtsad. Mis on iseenesest väga tervitatav (eriti arvestades seda, kuivõrd mul on vaja oma sotsiaalseid oskusi arendada, et mingi nõustamise vms jaoks tarviliku tasemeni jõuda). Kui ma nüüd veel suudaksin mäletada, et elus on tähtsat ka muud peale teiste inimeste. Ilmselt on tegu muidugi lihtsalt ühe faasiga. 4 kuud tagasi ei olnud inimesed mulle praktiliselt üldse tähtsad. Ja praegune faas on piisavalt nauditav, et tegelikult selle kestmist soovida.

Sünnipäeva juurde tagasi tulles... oli hea jälle näha kogu seda suvist seltskonda koos. Mul on kuri kahtlus, et kõigi nende 12 aasta jooksul, mis ma Gerdat ja Gerlyt tunnen, sain ma nendega kooliväliselt kokku võib-olla umbes sama palju kordi kui Kunni, Lillu ja Jariga selle ühe suve jooksul. Soodsad tingimused kambavaimu tekkeks. Muidugi sai Laurat peaaegu sama palju nähtud... Airit ja Elerini vähem, aga lisaks sai nende kõigiga (peale Jari) 3 aastat samas klassis käidud, suheldud jne. Tuttavad näod, hubane õhustik. Kas selline ongi siis "sõprade keskel viibimise" tunne? Ma ei tea. Kas saab olla sõber ilma igapäevatasandist kaugemale ulatuva mõistmiseta? Aga ometigi tundub mulle, et see nimetus on antud juhul õige.

Pärnus, üle kuu aja

Nostalgia. Kõik tundub mingisse eelmisse ajastusse kuuluvat. Ei, tegelikult ma ei igatse seda ajastut taga. Aga selles oli oma kordumatuid väärtusi ja kasutamatajäänud võimalusi. Ma ei tea, kes ma praegu olen. Mul on tunne, et ma võtsin Tartusse iseennast kaasa umbes sama palju kui igasugu käegakatsutavaid asju - parasjagu, et kenasti hakkama saada, aga ainult väikese osakese kõigest, mida tegelikult on... või on asi lihtsalt selles, et kuna kõik on nii hea, pole mul iseenda järele õiget tarvidust? Mul on maailm, uued kogemused, toredad ja huvitavad inimesed... see kõik vajab avastamist. Ja nii ongi õige. Aga ilma iseendata pole mul sellele kõigele midagi vastu pakkuda. Ma ei saa kellelegi korda minna, kui ma olen ainult ümbritseva maailma ja iseenda mineviku mina kaja. Kuigi ma ei tea, kuidas hoida ühteaegu sidet nii iseenda kui teiste inimestega. Need reaalsused on lihtsalt liiga ületamatult erinevad. Võib-olla kui ma piisavalt palju ja süvenenult Jungi loen, oskan ma seda kunagi kuidagimoodi sõnades seletada.

Seniks kuulan ma Lacrimas Profunderet ja mõtisklen Kierkegaardi surematute ideede üle. Kuigi mitte temalt endalt pärinevate, kuid tema "Kartuse ja värina" kaudu mulle lähedaseks saanute. Tumesinine. Lacrimas Profundere + Kierkegaard. Lõpmatu resignatsiooni liikumine. Ma olen selleks ikkagi liiga inimlik.

Learning

OK, I'm not an emotional masochist. I'm... uh... good at detecting ways for personal development. In a way, I've managed to reach one extreme in relating to others, the one I hadn't experienced before. Valuing nothing more than other people around me and the act of communication itself. But it's not just about communication... not just about the quantity... but far more about the quality. I can't say I'd forgotten it (I'm still quite picky as far as people go :-P), but the dream I had yesterday brought it more clearly to my awareness. That while I very much needed to experience losing myself in other people, I cannot do so permanently. And that I should dare to go further. Go deeper. To fly, to dive, the way I yearned to do not too long ago. I should not forget that I need the lessons in walking perhaps more than many others... but I also should not forget that I would be ignoring a whole lot more than just one dimension of my being if I limited myself to only that. I no longer need to limit myself that much.

...but I should accept that some things are unattainable. Perhaps not eternally so, but eternity is a long time. And unless I really am an emotional masochist, I shouldn't make my life be about the unattainable. Because life is brief and its years of youth and freedom even more so. I've done enough tormenting myself. Even if I can't let go entirely, I need patience, acceptance and inner peace. I was overcome by the strangest sensation of peace when I came home from lectures today.

Väitlus on tore

Olen ma seda juba maininud? Ok, pole viga, mainin veel. Sest see tõesti on nii. Eks ma seda lootsin, aga ometigi olen ma iga kord üllatunud, kui tore see on. Mul on ikka veel see tunne, et järgmine kord ma enam ei saa hakkama... aga siiani olen saanud ning sealjuures seda vägagi nautinud. Loodetavasti jätkub see nii ka edaspidi... 13. oktoober on algajate turniir. Igatahes soovitan väitlemist soojalt kõigile ning avaldan veel kord oma kustumatut tänu Jarile, kes mind suunas sellega tegelema. :)

Well, I got what I wanted

Or rather, I had what I wanted when I said I wanted it already. But I'm far from sure that's a good thing. *sighs* I must be an emotional masochist.

Oktoobri algus Tartus

Kummaline mõelda, et üks kuu on nüüd juba Tartus oldud. Aeg on läinud nii kiiresti ja nii huvitavalt. Samas olen ma siinse eluga juba piisavalt ära harjuda jõudnud, et kogeda raskusi kujutlemisel, et kunagi oli teisiti. Eks heade asjadega harjuta kiiresti... Muidugi näis, kuidas see kõik edasi kulgeb. Esialgu on muidugi kerge... või no, samas peaks just esialgu raske olema? Ma ei tea, igatahes tundub, et kõik mu ebatervelt hirmsad kujutlused sellest, milline mu elu Tartus välja nägema hakkab, olid alusetud. Ma ei ela tänaval, tööta kolmel kurnaval töökohal ilma palgata, kerja toitu, kumbki mu vanematest pole ära surnud, mu kursakaaslased pole vägivaldsed, ma ei ole surmavalt haige, kolmas maailmasõda pole alanud. Selle asemel elan ma täitsa normaalses ühikas koos mitte just minu sorti inimese, aga normaalse toakaaslasega, olen finantsiliselt üllatavalt kindlustatud oma vanemate (mõlemad elus ja terved) poolt, mu kursakaaslased (vähemalt need, kellega ma lähemalt suhelnud olen) on fantastilised, lisaks sellele on Tartu üleüldse täis toredaid ja huvitavaid inimesi... Ma ei saa aru, mis teema on sellega, et mu elu nii kahtlaselt hea on. Kuigi ma absoluutselt ei kurda selle üle! Minu poolest võib see määramatult jätkuda...

Ma vist ikkagi ei ole päris introvert. Puhas ekstravert pole ma kindlasti mitte, aga "reaktiivse introvertsuse" teooria tundub kuidagi kinnitust saavat. Ehk siis asi pole selles, et mulle suhelda ei meeldiks inimestega, vaid selles, et siiani polnud mu ümber just eriti palju selliseid inimesi, kellega seda teha. Muidugi ilmselt ei saa ühe kuu põhjal päriselt kaugemaleulatuvaid järeldusi teha. Näis. Jungi isiksustüüpide süsteem väga ambivertsust ei armasta, kuigi sellest edasi arendatud süsteemide kohta pole ma päris kindel. Peaks nendega ilmselt uuesti lähemalt üle tutvuma ja mõtisklema. Ilmselt ma ikkagi olen pigem introvert, aga mitte eriti tugevalt. Tegelikult ma ei tea praegu üldse, kes ma olen. Keskkond mõjutab seda mina-taju ikka nii palju...

Öeldes ühe lausega

oli eilne õhtu ilmselt üks mu elu kummalisimaid.

Muidu veel seda, et ma avastasin enda jaoks keldi folkmuusika. Homme on kursuse teine tutvumispidu. Friedrich Nietzsche ees- ja perekonnanimes on kummaski 9 tähte. Tartus on harjumatult palju ilusaid inimesi. Ja mul on tunne, et tegelikult ma tahtsin siia midagi mõttekat kirjutada, aga ma ei mäleta enam, mis see oli...

...

Yes, it's despicable how I'm making something so trivial be so overly significant. But, dammit, why can't I just for once fall in love and be happy about it? Maybe I shouldn't even think about it, maybe, all things considered, it just isn't for me. I mean, it isn't, I don't want any of the things it's supposed to lead to. The reproductive stuff. It wouldn't be fair for anyone else to develop feelings for me only to confront all the obvious issues coming from there. And I'd be a true emotional masochist if I wanted to develop feelings for someone and not have them be mutual. I've... really had enough of that. I crave the feeling though. It might sound crazy, but it's such a high. The obsession, the awareness of every tiny detail about the other person, the emotions - the positive ones. Something so beautiful and overwhelming. Only it leaves you so very vulnerable till you know how the other person feels... and if there's nothing there on the other side, it's far from a pleasant experience. (So yeah, what else is new.) *sighs* So confusing. But... uh... I had a crush on an anime character in May. There must be something wrong somewhere.

Nagu ma aru saan...

...on Kuninga Tänava Põhikoolil krooniliselt "hea" sisekliima. Jah, kallid lapsevanemad, pange oma lapsed just sinna kooli, uskuge propagandat... selle osalus mitmesugustes huvitavates projektides mõjutab lihtsalt nii palju seal tegelikult valitsevat olukorda. (Või no, jumal teab, vahest mõjutabki. Ma vist ei taha teada, mida kujutavad endast sel juhul teised põhikoolid.) Ma loodan, et kõik said sarkasmist aru.

Unique like the stars

Recently I've had reason to think about people... how many of them there are, how much an individual matters in such a mass... how to feel about things like that. If you're just one of many, how can you really matter? But how could it be possible to live with the awareness of one's utter insignificance?

It's something I could write a lot more about, but as I've only got a few minutes to write this before I'm meeting up with a friend, I'll just say the feeling I got a short while ago, from personal experience. Namely, that even though I've got acquainted to a lot of people recently, been socially active to an unprecedented degree, and all, the fact that there are more people around me these days doesn't really make these people any less significant to me. Or, to be honest, I suppose to a degree it's inevitable that the significance wouldn't be quite exactly as big as in the case of a very few rare people being part of my social circle... but even so, the people I've met, the people I know, they're important to me. Even some I've known only for a short period of time. If any one of them were to die, I'd feel loss and sorrow... if any one of them needed help I could provide, I'd do my best to be of assistance... and even though I do not speak about individuals here, they are individual. My feelings for each of them are unique. Like good music, no two can ever be quite the same. And that just makes each of them the more valuable.

Even though this wasn't exactly an answer to the questions I posited in the beginning, it's something that at the moment I feel is relevant... to myself, and perhaps also to somebody else who happens to read this text.

On an even brighter note...

This weekend has been wonderful. I was (to my great surprise) invited to Taliesin's birthday party, and while I knew practically noone there, the people were so nice and the general atmosphere so cosy that I really enjoyed it. It took place in the countryside, and I went there together with Goblin (who, as it turned out, knew as little about where we were going as I did). We arrived a couple of hours earlier than the others, and somehow came to the idea of playing a trick on the other guests. Which basically involved me playing a Romanian witch girl in search of the Necronomicon (oh yes, I got the Necronomicon as a gift for Taliesin... as I heard they'd tried to summon Cthulhu on his last birthday, so I guess that will be one book put to good use :-P). I and Goblin had been hitchhiking when the driver started acting suspicious, and I hit him with my umbrella and ran away, in the end reaching Taliesin's place. While there, I exhibited a somewhat unhealthy interest towards the Necronomicon book, although as I had with me a piece of paper with a fragment of one of the book's texts in Runic writing (which I'd been able to copy from some old manuscript in a Romanian library, thanks to some friend working there, although the Necronomicon is a forbidden book in Romania), maybe the interest wasn't that strange. Well, it didn't really go much beyond that, we hadn't had much time to come up with it all. I hope the other guests weren't too upset at us after we revealed the truth! Any way, let's say it was a pretty good way of getting into the mood for a fun evening :-P Although we spent most of it talking about morbid topics, but that didn't mean a morbid mood.

So the birthday was great. Hopefully I'll be seeing the people again. I should probably go and try to rest/sleep/something now, as I'm pretty tired... yeah, I'll go and do that.

On a brighter note

I noticed that all my English blog posts lately have been pointless sob stories which in no way adequately depict the way life in Tartu is generally like. So I thought I'd write something more cheerful here for a change. I'm not sure what, because nothing stands out really (maybe Schopenhauer was right in that we only pay attention to the negative experiences in life, while feeling good usually means the lack of noticeable suffering and unpleasant feelings or sensations). Or well... hmm...

Being ill is not really such a good thing in itself, and I've been ill for the last half a week or so, but because I haven't been able to go out or do much anything at all, I've had the time to read, rest and reflect upon various things. Today I found myself looking out of the window in my room... just observing, perceiving, really taking in the various details of the view. Kind of a meditative state of being. I did that a lot in the summer, but these days I've always been so active and overwhelmed by all the novelty here that it's been a while since I felt anything like this. I'm glad I did today :)

Mental tranquillity is nice, but so is mental activity, and the debate club seems excellent for that. I didn't realise just how much my brain was craving for some action till last Monday when we the newbies got to do some intro exercises... even that brief and mild effort needed for them felt like something long-needed for the brain. Which in itself is probably not a good thing (showing that I've not been giving the old grey matter much work), but the debate club is definitely promising. I went to their meeting again yesterday despite still feeling relatively under the weather, and for a while, when I got to actively do stuff, I didn't even feel drowsy any more, it was just so good. They're having another meeting tomorrow, which will hopefully be even better. What's funny is that every time I've gone there so far, I've been afraid that the enjoyment and relative success I've experienced with debating so far has been illusory/a thing of the past/something else like that, that reality will be discouraging, and that I would see the reality at the meeting I was going to. And every time I've just enjoyed it more and more. Of course, it's still only the very beginning and all. But I hope it will continue being like this, being exciting and enjoyable and something that feels quite right for me. Sheesh, why did I never go to the debate club we had in our school? Well, I suppose better late than never... or, then again, maybe now is not late at all, but just right in timing :)

Anyway, this was something more positive.

Oh yes, did you know that a single dose of PCP can have weeks-long negative effects on the mind, including (but not limited to) increased aggressiveness, paranoid delusions and catatonic states? Just something I read from a biopsychology textbook :-P So, have a nice sunny day everyone! Midnight and pouring rain over here :-)

Well, all it took was one party...

...to prove once again that I'm socially illiterate. Or... I don't know what it is. One moment everything is great, and then it just... isn't. Everything is wrong. Everything is distant. People around are having fun, but for me they and that experience are like in a different world. I tried to get back into it... maybe I didn't try hard enough. States like that are hard to come out of, because one part of you doesn't really want to. It's easier to just stay like that, just find some way to drown the feeling in something. I did try though, at least I tried to make it look like nothing had changed. I guess I've learned a few things about showing a good face this summer. I at least hope I made use of the lessons. It's weird how even in Tartu you can feel cut off from everyone around you. Though I know it's not because of the place or because of the people... it's just me. It's like the very opposite of everything I've been feeling ever since I moved here. I know I better get back to it being the usual way by the time I wake up tomorrow. I can't afford being down at a time like this. A time when it is only up to me to make things as close to perfect as they can come in this place, at this time... in this world maybe. All the novelty, all the possibilities, all the people... yeah. It's kind of funny (or not so funny) to realise that while my social life is flourishing like never before, there really isn't anyone I feel all that close to any more. I'm not sure what I'm writing about any more. I might feel like I'm an idiot for doing this tomorrow, tonight I don't care. Maybe I just don't care about anything for a change.

Jälle Tartus

Tundub, et esialgne energiatulv ja hüperaktiivsus on üle läinud. Tänane päev on rohkem minu tavaline ma-ei-viitsi-ennast-ülemäära-liigutada seisund. Aga tore on ikkagi :) Ma ei saa siin veel eraldi välja toomata ja mainimata jätta, et ma kirjutasin midagi see nädalavahetus. (ehk siis need eelmised kaks kergelt haiget jutukest siin blogis) Asi pole siiski päris lootusetu!

Tegelikult mul polegi hetkel suurt midagi öelda, aga lihtsalt tahtsin kirjutada midagi siia, sest eile siinne wifi ei töötanud ning see, mida ei saa, muutub teadagi selle võrra ihaldatavamaks...

Aa jaa, üks mõtteke siiski. Eile, kui ma Pärnus olin, mõtisklesin selle üle, kuidas oleks jäädagi sinna elama. Mõte, mis iseenesest alati suht jubeda ja kujuteldamatuna tundunud. Aga kuigi ma ei pruugi olla linna suurim fänn, leidub ka seal kohti ja inimesi, mida/keda ma armastan. Ja kui ma peaksin olema sunnitud seal elama, aga armastaksin ja hooliksin ühestki selle elanikust, võiks see olla päris talutav. Ka selles linnas on ilusaid hingi ja neid, kellega ma mingit lähedust tunda saaks. Vahest pole ma neid küll eriti palju leidnud, kuid võib-olla tähendab see ainult, et ma peaksin paremini otsima. Muidugi nüüd ma olen Tartus ja see pole enam niivõrd oluline :) Aga jah... võimalusi leidub kõikjal... ning tundub, et kõrvalt on neid alati kergem näha.

MSN, new and improved

Veel haiglaseid mõtteid...


***

Paul says:
Tere Heidy! Kuidas läheb? Sul on mingi huvitav display pilt...

(See ei olnud minu valitud.)

Heidy says:
Oi, tere Paul! Kas pole tore see uus täiendatud MSN-i versioon? Sisesta ainult oma meeleolu tase skaalal ühest kümneni ja programm valib ise parasjagu sobiva kujunduse. Lisaks on see õppimisvõimeline ning kui sulle tema valikud ei meeldi, kohandub ta järk-järgult üha täpsemalt sinu eelistustega. Aga minul on ta küll kohe algusest peale toiminud laitmatu täpsusega, ei kujuta ette, mis veel paremaks minna võib.

(Ja see ei olnud minu öeldud.)

Heidy says:
Tõmba kohe täna endale ka, sa ei kujuta ettegi, kui võimas see on!

(MSN räägib minu eest.)

Paul says:
Peaks vist jah. Tuleta mulle meelde pärast. Aga enne räägi, mis uudist, pole mõnda aega suhelnud ega midagi...

(Ma istun oma toas arvuti taga.)

Heidy says:
Kuule, ei miskit erilist... nagu ikka, tead küll. Käisime tüdrukutega rannas täna jälle, neid päikesepaistelisi ilmu peab kasutama!

(Ja MSN räägib minu eest.)

Heidy says:
Millega ise tegelenud?

(Ja teeb kõike muud.)

Paul says:
Ikka töö, nagu tavaliselt. Loodetavasti peaks varsti puhkus tulema, ei meeldi ka kogu suvi kontoris kükitada. Saaks see nädalavahetus äkki kokku muidu?

(Me ei saa enam kunagi kokku.)

Heidy says:
Jaa, see kõlab nagu hea plaan! Lepime siis detailides täpsemalt kokku pärast. Aga mäletad, sa pidid MSN-i viimase versiooni alla laadima. Tuletan sulle meelde, see on lihtsalt liiga hea, et loobuda!

(Palun ära tõmba uut versiooni endale.)

Paul says:
Jah, olgu-olgu, ma teen seda siis kohe. On sul ikka kindlalt kõik hästi muidu? Sa kõlad natuke kummaliselt täna... mitte enda moodi.

(Sa ei tea, mida see kaasa toob.)

Heidy says:
Kõik on ülimalt hästi!

(Mitte miski ei ole hästi.)

Paul says:
OK, ma siis tõmban selle nüüd ära. Pean MSN-i kinni panema natukeseks... pärast räägib edasi?

(Ei, me ei räägi enam kunagi.)

Heidy says:
Ikka. Tsau siis praeguseks!

(Ma ei saa su heaks midagi teha.)

Paul says:
Tsau!

(Hüvasti, Paul.)

Lühijutt

Ühe loengu alguses tekkinud mõte/kujutlus. Jah, mul on imelikud mõtted. :)




***

5. detsember
Täna on essee tähtaeg. Ma ei saanud seda ära saata. Valmisolnud variant oli kesine, pastakaotsast välja pigistatud. Nüüd kirjutan ma uut, paremat. Ideed voolavad minust läbi ja valguvad iseenesest paberile. Selleks pole vaja mingit pingutust, mul on visioon sellest, mida teen. Head esseed ei saa endast jõuga välja sundida. Ma ei taha enam saata keskpärast, ainult paari punkti saamiseks mõeldut. See on midagi enamat. Kui ma ainult võiksin, kui ma ainult suudaksin luua midagi täiuslikku. Paari tunni tagant loen ma kirjutatu üle ja teen parandusi. Ikka on mingid konarused, üldisesse voolu sobimatud sõnad ja laused. Ma ei ole kunagi suur esseemeister olnud. Aga selle ma teen ära, ma ei saa lõpetada enne ülimuslikkuseni jõudmist.

6. detsember
Teine päev kirjutamist. Veel pole ma täiust saavutanud. Mind valitseb suur loomepalavik. Toit ja uni tunduvad täiesti ebaoluliste nähtustena. Ma tean, et tähtaeg on möödas ja mul on aega homseni, kui tahan üldse mingeid punkte essee eest saada. Ka see pole tähtis, enam mitte. Vahepeal kuulen ma hääli oma peas, mis dikteerivad mulle. Segaselt, mitu erinevat korraga. Minu enda hääl on kõige arusaadavam. Iga lausega muutub ta öeldav täiuslikumaks. Ikka pean ma parandama üle valesid kohti, tekitama suuremat selgust algsetesse mõtetesse. Isegi kõige pisematesse detailidesse süvenemisel ei vaibu algne hoog, mul pole vaja peatuda ja mõelda. Inspiratsioon juhendab mind lakkamatult, ma liigun ainult vooluga kaasa ja kirjutan.

7. detsember
Viimistlen. Essee ei ole ikka veel päris täiuslik. Kord muutsin ma terve lõigu ära, see oli madalam, sobimatu. Iga uue parandusega ma tunnen, et see ongi minu elu mõte, kirjutada valmis see üks ülimuslik töö, pühenduda ainsale tegevusele kogu oma hingega. Ma ei ole kunagi varem midagi sellist saavutanud, keegi pole varem midagi sellist saavutanud ega saavuta ka, see essee on ainulaadne, parim, ja see on minu looming. Kas ma saaksingi rohkemat tahta? Ma olen mittemiski, ma olen kübeke kosmosetolmu kaootilises maailmas, aga minu kaudu on sellesse sündimas midagi täiuslikku, täiuslikult mõttekat ja korrapärast. Minu hääl dikteerib mulle sõnu ja ma tean, et see on minu elu tipphetk, midagi suuremat ei ole enam võimalik luua.

8. detsember
See on valmis. Akadeemilises mõttes pole sellel enam tähtsust, aga minu jaoks koondub kõik sellesse ajapunkti, eneseteostuse kulminatsiooni. Varsti pean ma essee ära saatma, mis siis et liiga hilja. Ainult minust väljapoole jõudes saab see tegeliku väärtuse.


***
Professori kabinetti sisenes vaikselt üks kõhnemapoolne silmapaistmatu välimusega tudeng. Õppejõud tõstis arvutiekraani tagant pilgu ning uuris noormeest põgusalt.
"Ma ootasingi, et te tulete. Jah, teie essee oli suurepärane. Isegi rohkemat kui suurepärane, see oli parim, mida ma kunagi lugenud olen. Selle kohta võiks peaaegu kasutada sõna täiuslik, niivõrd kui siin ilmas üldse miski taolist nimetust väärida saab. Teie mõttelend ja sõnaosavus on muljetavaldav."
Naine tegi oma juttu pausi ning süvenes pikemalt nooruki rohekashallidesse silmadesse, mis vaatasid teda äraootavalt, stoilise rahuga.
"Muljetavaldav, aga paraku esitatud liiga hilja. Nagu te teate, ei saa ma teile selle eest ühtegi punkti anda. Oleksite te antud essee saatnud mulle kolm päeva varem, saanuks te kahtluseta maksimumtulemuse."
Professor vaikis. Tudengi nägu ei reetnud ühtegi emotsiooni.
"Ma tean. Ma tahtsin ainult, et te seda loeksite."
Õppejõu küsiva pilgu all süütas tudeng välgumihkli ning kattus järgmisel hetkel leekidega.

***

kuivanud roos.
ma ei puista kunagi
laiali ta õielehti,
soovides.

Panic...

Well, I guess I became old before growing up. Somehow, within this last week, I've managed to get wrinkles. Yes, you heard it right, wrinkles. I just freaking turned 19 and I'm beginning to look like an old woman! I'll be old and ugly before I'll even have the chance to see much life outside my mother's home... my life is over before it's even managed to properly begin... I've waited for this so much, wanted to go to Tartu, be with people I can be more myself with, explore life and all things that are possible therein... and now, before I've even had the chance to truly begin doing that, I'm getting signs the best part of my physical life is over. I'm becoming old. I really didn't expect this to happen so soon. One is supposed to have time to be young till their thirties, their mid-twenties at least? I'm still in my freaking teens! I've always looked younger than my age... I thought it would go on like this... but now I'm starting to look older than everyone around me, I still look like a 15-year-old, only less attractive than I was before. I'm not really sure if I ever was truly attractive, but when you're young, maybe all you really need is faith in that. But while old men can look okay, old women look disgusting. That's the truth, the sad and bitter truth, and it's a truth I'm not yet ready to live. I'm not ready to be old yet. I'm not even sure if I'm all that ready to be an adult! I'm not ready to accept the fate of the ugly old maid that is only a nuisance to everyone and who is doomed to withering dully, knowing that things can only go worse from hereon. I want at least the illusion that I'm attractive, that I at least might be attractive, that I still have a life ahead of me, an interesting and enjoyable one, I don't want it all to start slipping away so soon... just as I could leave this suffocating town, just as the hope of a beautiful future was to turn to a beautiful present, is it now doomed to become only a fleeting moment already in the past? Maybe I am overreacting, but I'm scared, I am...

Lihtsalt üks tore päev

Vähemalt esialgu on elu küll päris tore. Täna hommikul ärkasin kella 7 paiku, sest mu toakaaslasel oli esimene loeng ilmselt minust varem, kella 9-ni üritasin tulutult magama jääda ning sealt edasi järgmised 2 tundi siis muidugi suurte raskustega ärkvel püsida... Loenguid oli 3: sotsioloogia alused, sissejuhatus sotsiokultuurilisse psühholoogiasse ning tunnetuspsühholoogia ja käitumise regulatsioon. Mitte just eriti palju uut infot, aga esialgu on lihtsalt õhustikku sisseelamine piisavalt huvi ja väljakutset pakkuv. Sai jälle natuke tutvusi sõlmitud ja teisi süvendatud.

Kella 4 paiku käisin korraks ühikast läbi ja sealt edasi kammerkoori katsetele. Kuulutusel oli kirjas, et TÜ peahoone ruum 232. Kas teie teadsite, et peahoones on vähemalt viis erinevat viisi saada esimeselt korruselt teisele ning iga trepi kaudu jõuab erinevate ruumideni? Võimalik, et neid võimalusi on veel, mina igatahes jõudsin avastada viis treppi, enne kui ma lõpuks leidsin soovitud 232. Kandideerijaid kuulati üle ühekaupa ning enne kui saabus minu kord, tegin tutvust teiste ootel olijatega, kelle seas oli 3 Saksamaalt pärit vahetusõpilast, sh üks klassikalise laulmisega tegelev noormees (mitte just igapäevane nähtus). Läksin vahepeal allkorrusele tagasi ja proovisin häält lahti laulda, kuivõrd võimalik. Loodetavasti oli sellest kasu, teada saab tulemused muidugi alles 20. septembril või hiljem. Ega ma väga ei loodagi enam sinna sisse saada, aga lõppkokkuvõttes vahet pole, ühel või teisel viisil saan ma laulda ikkagi, kui tahan.

Kella 8-ks läksin koos Annikaga (kes ka õpib psühholoogiat) väitlusklubi kokkutulekule, kus täna toimus näidisväitlus teemal iludusvõistluste keelustamine. See oli juba iseenesest suht tore. Suur oli aga minu üllatus, kui ühel hetkel uks avanes ja samasse ruumi astus René, keda tunnen 2006. a. filosoofia lõppvooru päevilt! Kui ma peaksin tegema nimekirja inimestest, kellega suhtluse katkemine mind kurvastab, kuuluks tema kindlasti sellesse. Ma loobusin juba mõnda aega tagasi lootmast, et temaga veel kunagi ühendusse saan. Nüüd aga istus ta seal, elusuuruses... Tartu on ikka tõesti eriline paik inimeste kokku sattumise osas :) Pärast näidisväitlust läks kogu see seltskond edasi Illegaardi (jälle mul mingi koht avastatud...) ning meil õnnestus seal tervelt kolm tundi vestelda igasugustel huvitavatel teemadel. Kuna ta mõtleb ka väitluses käima hakata, siis tõenäoliselt näeme veel, suht varsti isegi. Jah, ma lootsin/loodan küll Tartust palju asju, aga see kohtumine oli tõeline ootamatu kingitus.

Igatahes nüüd on kell ammu kesköö läbi ning ma istun siin ja kirjutan kõike seda üles, sest muud ma teha ei viitsi ja homme on esimene loeng ka alles keskpäeval, seega võib natuke magamist edasi lükata veel. Tänane päev on jälle olnud toredate killast. Kõik tõesti tundub praegu kuidagi positiivne. Loodetavasti jätkub see nii ka edaspidi :)

Birthday

I've been really busy lately as I've moved to Tartu, am starting university, already have more of a social life here than I ever did in Pärnu, etc. But have a moment to spend for writing here now, and thought I'd do so. Last year I was really aware of becoming 18, but this year I haven't thought about becoming older much at all. Don't want to think about it, really... But it's been wonderful to receive all the congratulations. My friend from the Netherlands actually wrote a poem to me on the occasion, and a great one, too. Stunning. :) It's been cloudy all day and was raining in the morning, but that's okay. I'm glad to be alive, surrounded by the people that I am, doing the things I do. I hope things will continue to be as wonderful as they have been these past couple of days.

Nostalgic?

It's been a year since I tried to get back in touch with that Danish philosopher guy. Not that I ever really found out what he did in his mundane life. Something to do with the university there, I believe. I'll probably never find out now. It's been more than 3,5 years since the last time I heard from him. I feel I didn't really appreciate being able to correspond with him when I could. Although looking through old emails it doesn't look like that. Still feel like I'd value the opportunity so much more now. Not that I think about it all that often... after all, he's now definitely only part of the past. I can only hope he's alive and doing okay. He was into a lot of dark and dangerous things. From making explosives (which he's written a book about) to evoking demons. Yes, a dark character if I've ever known one. For some reason I feel so sad and empty when I think about him and how I'll never hear from him again now. Even though our acquaintance was so brief and so much time ago. I usually don't have regrets about losing touch with people... usually it's just part of the constant change called life. Funny to think there's someone I've never really managed to get over. Or, well, not so funny really. What is funny is that I just realised he has the same first name as my father... well, the Danish version of it, but basically the same.

Tartu jne

Täna sai siis seal ära käidud ühikaolusid vaatamas. Esmamulje jäi üpris korralik, teisi elanikke kahjuks ei kohanud, aga kõige jubedamad loodetavasti ei ole. Pärast põgusat tutvumist tulevase elukohaga sain Mardiga kokku ja arutasime sünnipäevaküsimust. Tegelikult ma ei kavatsenud see aasta üldse teha midagi, aga see ühissünnipäeva mõte oli liiga hea, et teostamata jätta. Õigemini teostamine küll tuleb alles, loodetavasti järgmine nädal. Muide, kui keegi, keda ma tunnen ja keda pole kutsutud, loeb seda siin praegu ja leiab, et minust on suur ülekohus teda kutsumata jätta, siis andke endast märku, mul on suht segadus sellega praegu...

Täna öösel peaks isa tulema Inglismaalt jälle mingiks ajaks. Vähemalt tuleb see viimane ülikoolieelne nädal siis huvitav, mingi muutus keskkonnas jälle. Eeldusel, et pinge liiga lakke ei tõuse... või no, see oleks ka huvitav, aga ilmselt meeldivam pigem kaugemalt distantsilt. Huvitav, millega ta viimasel ajal tegelenud on. Njah... kuidagi liiga kummaline on kujutleda, et ta on pereliige. Või õigemini, mõistet "pere" on üldse mõnevõrra kummaline rakendada enda lähisugulaste osas. Mingit ühendatud tervikut on siin liiga raske tajuda. Üldse kuuluvust mingisse suguvõssa vms. Emapoolsed on kõik kaugel ja neid ei teagi, isapoolseid on vähe ja seegi harv suhtlemine, mis aset leiab, toimub enamasti meiepoolsel algatusel. Ehk siis veri pole just palju paksem kui vesi.

Aga sugupuud tahaks ikkagi uurida. Õieti kavatsesin seda see suvi teha... aga nii palju siis tollest mõttest. Loodetavasti jõuab selleni ikkagi millalgi. Kuigi ilmselt pole mõtet loota mingite müstiliste sinivereliinide avastamist sajanditepikkuse saladuskatte alt. :-P Vahest olekski parem saada tunda oma tühisust, mis sugupuusse puutub. Loobuda oma ego pretensioonidest ja sulanduda veelgi rohkem sellesse kõigesse, millega ma viimasel ajal nii palju ühesust tundnud olen, et piirid vahepeal kaduvat tunduvad. Olla üksinda mittemiski ja samas üks kõigega... jah, kuivõrd erinevaid, lausa vastandlikke tundeid võib see tekitada. Kuigi tegelikult oleme me kõik ka üksinda miski. Aga... vahel on vaja endast loobuda, et ennast leida?

Hugs

I read once that to function normally a person needs at least 4 hugs a day. I have no idea how scientifically valid this is, but makes you think, doesn't it. How many of us can be sure to get as much as one a day? Although I imagine that one long warm hug would outweigh a bunch of quick casual ones, so it's not all that much about the number of them.

We exchanged a few sentences about that today with Jari and Laura, and I decided to see what there is on the net about hugs. I found this page: http://eqi.org/hugs.htm Go on and read if you're interested. :)

Oh yes, and this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9r7DYUlDuoM

Back to the present

Well, as you can probably guess, the ILO feels like too much in the past by now to continue writing about it. At least for the moment I feel more like writing about the present.

I've been playing one of my childhood games again for the past couple of days. It's about imagining as if I've just entered this world and this body, which was previously occupied by another consciousness. I know more or less all the facts this consciousness knew while in this body, but everything about the world is a new and strange experience. I guess that's what the game is about, trying to experience the world as if for the first time, to live my life at least for a while as if I wasn't bound by various emotional and other attachments, to see everything with fresh eyes, (re)discover all those things I don't notice (any longer) because they seem like just this common part of my environment. I remember at some point I thought a lot about different people's lives and how they had all these potential opportunities I would make use of if I could take their place for a while. It seems like it's often easier to see such things from the side. Maybe, if properly played, such a game could be a pretty nice/fun/interesting way of getting to see things like that for a bit.

"Feeling one with the universe" is a very, very overused phrase. But it's still possible to get the experience it describes in a way that does not feel overused the least bit. "Universe" is a funny word, "one" + "turn/change". Sounds a bit like Heraclitus and a bit like... that experience. Yeah. Go out on a starry night, look up and ponder the word "universe". You should get something there.

What I just absolutely must mention is that today was Gerly's solo concert at the town hall. Quite stunning. What a way to go from here. It's sad we've pretty much lost touch... I think that despite being the "ideal bookkeeper type" most of the time, she has this aspect to her that is one of the most deeply emotional and genuinely spiritual people I've ever met. Strange how some people who've been part of your life for most of your life... they just go on to study and live in another place entirely, and you'll probably never be close again. Well, "closeness" with people in my immediate surroundings has usually been shall we say "relative closeness". But with Gerly and Gerda there's always been something, one way or another. Gerda's birthday was today (or, well, actually yesterday by now... August 9). Gerly was the one who got to shine. I'm sure they'll both get their moment in the spotlight, though. They're both worth that and most other things they might wish for. Earned it in terms of hard work (on a level beyond humanly comprehensible), definitely. Oh yes, reminds me of my thoughts on the different factors that are important in doing things. But best to not get there now, and instead get some sleep :-)