Ajurünnak blogi lugejatele

Soovitage mulle kohti, kus saaks kesklinna kandis (vähemalt võrdlemisi) segamatult omaette olla. (Et teie ei sega mind ja mina ei sega teid vms)

Minu terve mõistus (või mis sellest järel on) tänab teid juba ette.

Desire is weakness

Fear and desire. On one level, they are what helps us survive and perhaps gives our life part of its meaning. Yet on another level, they are the cause of perhaps an even greater part of life's suffering. Which is basically what life is. Suffering. Unless one is free from - or at least has reasonable control over - one's fears and desires. Perhaps that freedom is the only true one.

To answer the question of a friend - this is perhaps part of what I meant by some people being both more and less human than most. And no, it is not about privilege. I just do not think it is a path for the many. Most of us cherish our weaknesses.

Walking the path

I think one thing my dreams seem to be saying to me these days is that it is meaningless to do things in order to please others or get their respect. You can never win everyone over to your side. And the more people that admire you, the more people that envy you and wish you harm. Like that old Chinese saying about being a nail that sticks out etc. I think I may have been focusing a bit too much on exterior achievement and what other people think defines success and a good life. Some of the things from that category I don't really need or desire, while others that I do need and desire are not part of the "normal" idea of the important things. I'm not really sure what this all means in practice... except that maybe I should pay more attention to the transformation of the interior... and live my life more from the inside out.

More focus on what it is that is important to me seems to be needed then... Somehow giving due attention to the things that matter seems to be difficult to accomplish. Everything of lesser relevance seems easier, even though objectively it might require just as much effort or more. It's like the more everyday things a game to be played, a game of life... but the things that are a deeper essence of life require.. well.. going beyond. And while that is something I want in theory, it is not so simple to accomplish it in practice. Because in practice, you really go as far as you go on your own feet.

We broke up

Me and Margus. I'm not really sure how to feel about that. I don't think I'm ready for that level of commitment right now. But he's still one of the most wonderful people I know.

Oh well. Time will tell.

Free food and good company

The national philosophy olympiad ended today. I was there, even though I didn't participate. I met up with the people at dinner yesterday and suggested I could help out some way. I suppose next time I really could come up with such ideas some time before the olympiad... But yes, it was good. Somewhat nostalgic... last year, I was the one taking part and being all nervous about the results and overjoyed at finding out how well it went, and then it was all over and... well... okay, last year it was more about the results than the environment and company, and there was the international olympiad which really overshadowed the national one. So it didn't really feel sad or anything. The year before it did... it had been living 4 days in a beautiful dream and it was hard to return to the mundane world. Definitely motivated me to work harder to achieve good results and get into university where the environment and people would be like that all the time! ...or, well, so I thought then. University life is nothing like what I feared, but at least in some ways it is nothing like what I hoped for, either. People are on the average more intelligent and motivated, but most of them are still just... people. And you're just one more person, and you've got to define yourself all over again. The latter, of course is not necessarily a bad thing... probably a good thing really. I guess I'm used to the good things that come with life in Tartu. Some things I used to take for granted, I no longer do. But some things I seem to take for granted now, I never did before. I guess that's humanity for you.

I do hope I'll get to see more of the olympiads though... from any point of view I'll get to have. And I hope Heidy does really well at the international philosophy olympiad... she won this year! I'm really happy for her... I'd have been surprised if she hadn't been among the first two, actually.

I really should take part in more things. I'm starting to get the feeling more and more that people tend to be quite happy about me wanting to get involved. Something to think about, I guess.

Beyond polarity

It is not about light. It is not about darkness either. It can be either as long as in the end there are both. Not everything is divisible into light and dark categories either. I remember somebody said demons and angels are just two different ways to call the same beings. You need courage, honesty and determination to approach light as much as you do to approach darkness. And in the end, the very categories themselves are our subjective perceptions.

I think the point is to work towards being all that you can be. Exploring all the aspects. Perhaps one could say it's depth psychotherapy "going beyond".

Scire, Velle, Audere, Tacere