I have friends.

:)

Öömõtted

Ma arvan, et Vahur peaks Ergo Proxy't vaatama. Tegelikult peaks kõik Ergo Proxy't vaatama.

Tänane teemaõhtu kujunes väga ootamatuks, aga huvitavaks. Teemast seal kuigi palju järele ei jäänud, aga see polnudki niivõrd oluliseks eesmärgiks. Põhiliselt rääkis Vahur satanismist ja tema enda kogemustest sellega seoses. Siis oli... igasugu muid jutte. Vahurit oli väga huvitav kuulata. Mulle jõudis vist esimest korda päriselt kohale, kuivõrd intelligentne ja maailma asjadega kursis ta tegelikult on.

Igatahes uni kutsub.

Halleluuja

Ma kirjutasin just valmis oma isiksusepsühholoogia essee ja ma reaalselt peaaegu nautisin kirjutamisprotsessi. Suht kiiresti sai ta ära tehtud ka. Täitsa hämmastav... pärast kogu seda muretsemist ja vältimist, mis sellele eelnes, oli protsess reaalselt meeldiv. Ilmselt oli sellel muidugi mõnevõrra pistmist tõigaga, et ma ei muretsenud just väga selle üle, kas mu sõrmede alt tulev vastab mingitele stiililistele, keelelistele või ideoloogilistele kriteeriumitele. Arvestades ülikooli üldisi tendentse, on äärmiselt ebatõenäoline, et õppejõud teksti isegi läbi lugeda viitsiks. Kahju tegelikult. Hetkel on tunne, et tulemus sai reaalselt lugemiskõlbulik.

Igatahes - elu ja tulevik tundub kohe kuidagi vähem hirmuäratav :)

Peace

I'm actually a guy

Well, at least according to the Gender Genie...


Words: 1757

(NOTE: The genie works best on texts of more than 500 words.)

Female Score: 2620
Male Score: 3546

The Gender Genie thinks the author of this passage is: male!

So then... what about you?

http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php

The usual

Muide, mul tõesti pole võetud mingit eesmärki oma närvitsemisega kõiki ümberkaudseid inimesi häirida. Kui see vahepeal niimoodi välja kukub, palun vabandust. Tegelikult tahaks kuidagi vastupidiselt mõjuda, aga nojah...

Naljakas, kuidas mõningaid inimesi ei unusta ka pärast aastaid. Nad lihtsalt jäävad su südame püsielanikeks.


I hear him, before I go to sleep
And focus on the day that's been.
I realise he's there,
When I turn the light off and turn over.

Nobody knows about my man.
They think he's lost on some horizon.
And suddenly I find myself
Listening to a man I've never known before,

Telling me about the sea,
All his love, 'til eternity.

Ooh, he's here again,
The man with the child in his eyes.
Ooh, he's here again,
The man with the child in his eyes.

He's very understanding,
And he's so aware of all my situations.
And when I stay up late,
He's always waiting, but I feel him hesitate.

Oh, I'm so worried about my love.
They say, no, no, it won't last forever.
And here I am again, my girl,
Wondering what on earth I'm doing here.
Maybe he doesn't love me.
I just took a trip on my love for him.

Ooh, he's here again,
The man with the child in his eyes.
Ooh, he's here again,
The man with the child in his eyes.

(Kate Bush "The Man With The Child In His Eyes")

:)

Raven's Progressive Matrices are absolutely pointless. Like, what IQ level would they be appropriate at, 70?

On the other hand, I actually realised there's one thing I really love. Music. Singing. I might not always be in the mood for it initially, but unless I'm physically sick or there's something REALLY major going on in my life, my initial mood doesn't matter so much after a while. It's not likely to be something I'd consider as a professional career, but it's something I love doing. And these days when I'm so disappointed and confused about everything, that's a lot.

When stressed, eat

Really. It has been found that this is the best way to avoid developing stress-related ulcers. All that comfort eating might be a good idea after all, huh...

Just life

Hope and despair. With so many ways open to me, how do I know which one to take? Up until this point there wasn't really much of a question about what to do next. Now for the first time it's really up to me. How do I know what to choose? How do I make the choice I regret the least in the years to come? Which is an interesting way to phrase it really when I think about it... worrying about what I might regret the most in the years to come? My mum would probably say it's the right way of thinking about it. I'm not sure what I'd say myself. I don't want to fail in life like my parents. But I also don't want to live "successfully" only to discover in my older years that I've never really Lived at all.

The question is also what Living means to me. In the end, it all depends on the perception of the person... you can have the most exciting life and feel it's not really fulfilling, or you can do nothing special at all and still experience each moment as something new and beautiful. Right now I'm SO disappointed in the whole academic sphere of things. The question is, am I disappointed in it because it's not really for me after all... or am I only disappointed in this particular university, these particular conditions? Or maybe it's both: it's not quite "it" for me - though could be tolerably suitable - but it is the way things are in Tartu that makes the prospect seem entirely unacceptable.

Maybe I should take a chance for once in my life and do something other than the obviously "right and safe" thing.

Perhaps I have been paying too much attention to the symbols and too little to the essence. Seeking to find myself through the symbols, some kind of a deep sacred resonance within. I thought I knew what I was looking for, but now I'm not so sure. The goals and feelings shift so rapidly, I can hardly grasp one when it is already replaced by another.

I know my path is the path of the caduceus, I know that if I know anything at all. But there are many, many ways to walk that path. ...or perhaps it is just the path takes you to many, many different places. It is that of the serpent, not of the arrow after all. In any case, I don't even know if I'm still on it right now. I've actually got no idea where I am. Going in the right direction? Wrong direction? Is there a right or wrong at all? Even in the most personal sense of the word? If there is no higher meaning, does it make any difference what we do with our lives? And why is our happiness and fulfilment more right than our suffering and despair? Who says it is "good"? Us? Does it matter what we say? Does it matter what a speck of dust might want or feel?

So there I am. Wanting to preach love and light, and myself cynical and lost. Disappointed in things I used to value, people I used to look up to. Doubting everything, revaluing everything. How can I believe I can bring meaning to an empty world? To a mankind that I believe to be without a future. Without a purpose. Completely irrelevant in this vast cosmic game. And yet I am a speck of dust like any other.

There is meaning in everything, or there is in nothing. Perhaps it only depends on the perspective.

To live the dream

To get to know all the colours of the world. But always return to my blue-green vision. Until the day it becomes the light within.

12 Days of Christmas

Tänane proov nägi väga huvitav välja. Timol ja Mardil oli palavik, mina aevastasin ja köhisin ning Kunnil oli lihtsalt hääl ära. Mingisugusest naiivsest soovunelmast kannustatuna mõtlesin, et võiks "O Holy Night"ist alustada. Nojah, vähemalt oli tulemus ilmekaks tõestuseks, et imesid ei tasu iga kord oodata. Aga "The 12 Days of Christmas" mõjus see-eest väga julgustavalt. Ma usun, et meil on reaalselt tulemas selline versioon, mille jooksul kuulajad magama ei jää. Muusika on tore. :)

Elu üldiselt on tore muidugi. Huvitav. Ühtegi päeva pole vist viimasel ajal olnud, milles ei toimunuks midagi mälestamisväärset. Muidugi sellest tulenevalt kipub ka võrdlemisi vähe meelde jääma - iga järgnev sündmus tõrjub eelnevad välja. Peaks rohkem jäädvustama kusagile. Blogisse kirjutama kas või. Et oleks, millele toetudes vana ja väsinuna tagasi vaadata saaks...hmm ok, sellest vaatenurgast lähenedes peaks ma vist midagi internetist vastupidavamat kasutama. Kui vahepeal just tuumasõda ei tule. Me leppisime täna Timo ja Kunniga kokku, et kolmanda tuumasõja ajal lähme Urgu peitu. Esimesed kaks korraldan ma kuidagi niimoodi ära, et Eesti kanti midagi ei satu. Kui te minu vastu kenad olete, siis ma vaatan, et teile Urus ruumi jaguks.

Kahtlaselt palju on mingeid Joffrey Lannister'eid. Cersei Lannister'eid ka tegelikult. Nojah, nendeta oleks maailm palju igavam paik. Kuni nende vahele mõni Jon ja Daenerys ära eksib, pole hullu.

Jah, ma tean, ma pean oma George Martini teemast ilmselgelt kiiremas korras üle saama.

Tegelikult ma usun, et elu võib ilus olla.

Omnispirit

Just remembering the (good?) old days... The time when I was still a net-addicted teenage new-ager. It's weird to think about it now, but... that forum that was so special for me, the people there... they weren't just a bunch of random nutcases after all. I don't know what's happened to most of them, but several are on their path to greatness - or at least something beyond the drab and mediocre lives most people lead. They're intelligent, creative, extremely talented people with a spirit bright enough to lead the way for themselves and others around them. The kind of people I'd love to know at any time in my life, really. Not all of them, to be sure. But more than I sometimes let myself remember.

So I suppose I was right about one thing. I did manage to bump into one of the most amazing newager bunches on the net in those days. I guess as far as people went, my standards were not low back then at all. Actually they were probably higher than I could afford to have them now. The net gives you more choice after all...

But of course it is not enough to see the kinds of people you most like to see. It is so important to see all kinds - or at least a few. To see and know life from all sides. The dull as well as the bright, the ugly as well as the beautiful... the different as well as the same. Sometimes to even forget yourself and all you hold dear in the process. Because if you come back - when you come back - what you love the most will be worth it all the more. And perhaps you will learn to love all the rest as well.

Synchronicity

My life is great really. Everything I need is present there. Well, almost everything. But still so much. And sometimes the things I least expect to find turn out when least expected - though not least needed.

If there's a will, there's a way. Somehow I can live my dream. I guess I do have a dream. :)

Beginnings and endings

Sometimes you know some things are temporary... but you still want them to last. You think, maybe there's some way after all. Who knows what will happen in life? You're not really sure what outcome you should be hoping for, but in the end, the various options are still open to you. You don't really expect to know for sure. And when you finally do, it's... strange. Even if it is something still in quite a distant future.

Even when you want to believe a beautiful lie, you need to face up to the truth at some point. To the truth that what you seek for is not to be found where you are. At least not until you've been to elsewhere, searching for it. Not that I even know what I'm searching for these days. Is there even anything to search? Or is it all meaningless chaos? Am I only fooling myself with my thoughts of a quest for the Holy Grail? Is there any purpose to my life other than life itself? And yet - if I knew my place in the world, knew which cog in the wheel I was, would that really make me happy?

I'm not who I was two years ago, one year ago... even half a year ago. The goals and ideals I had then are obsolete now. I thought I had my path laid out in front of me... well, to some point I did. But from that point onwards it's totally obscure. It was then and it still is now. But that point is much closer now, and approaching with every moment.

I'm not even sure I want to continue with my studies much longer. I'll probably get a Master's degree in something, but I'm not so sure I want to go for the Ph.D... I mean, what's the point? To do science? I thought so, but I'm not at all sure that's my thing any more. I'm very disappointed in university and the academic life in general. Life in itself seems more interesting - but do I have what it takes to succeed there, outside of the safe world of papers and grades? Do I have what it takes to succeed anywhere, when it's so hard to just get myself out of bed in the mornings? When I've lost faith in some things I valued so very much? Though become more open to some other things... My mum believes the path to greatness is straight and narrow. I'm not sure where my path is going... it's not straight and it's definitely not narrow. Right now I can't see its edges at all. Am I on the right track at all? Maybe all this wandering around, trying out new things is only getting me more lost? Maybe I should just stay with what I know? But then again, that doesn't seem right, either...

I thought there was a brother/sisterhood waiting for me out there somewhere. Thought there was a quest. A special self I needed to discover. A "right" place for me to be, the "right" things for me to do, the "right" people to be there and do them with. What if there's none of them? Maybe I will regret the choices I've made and will make more of... to surrender the familiar to go forth into the unknown. But maybe I will regret it much more if I don't even try.

So maybe it is OK that there are endings to beginnings. Maybe it's OK that I don't know where to go on from here. I just have to wonder... will it always be either loss or disappointment? Will I outgrow every dream I have? What is the point of living in a world where dreams are only a temporary escape from reality?

Maybe it is up to me to make my dreams be something more. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Perhaps if I live my dream from the inside out, I will light the way of both myself and others around me. If there are no ideals in the world, no Holy Grail, it doesn't mean I can't aspire towards them on a quest. I don't know how many others need it, how many others care. But I can learn about the world... and give my gift to those for whom it matters. In whatever form that may come to be. Can I give a sense hope to a world with no hope? Meaning and purpose to one without any? Bring a light of spirit to the darkness? Give them a taste of the divine? The Sun and the Moon and the stars, the sky and the sea... blue-green and silver... Realms of gods and angels. If I can only remember to remember that.

I love the language George Martin uses. Expressions like "if he's half as clever as a sheep pellet" or "I'd be crying too if I were getting married to that gargoyle", not to mention words like "swordswench"... rich, sensual, funny and very lifelike, reading the sentences would be fascinating even without the magnificent story they are part of. But of course, there IS the story. I do have a bad feeling it's not going to be easy to find comparable reading material after I'm done with "A Feast For Crows". Gotta hope the guy manages to finish up "A Dance of Dragons" soon...

Just something

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel Gabriel

I can love
But I need his heart
I am strong even on my own
But from him I never want to part
He's been there since the very start
My angel Gabriel
My angel Gabriel

Bless the day he came to be
Angel's wings carried him to me
Heavenly

I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings
My angel Gabriel
My angel Gabriel
My angel Gabriel

(i.e. listen to this:)
http://www.last.fm/music/Lamb/+videos/+1-b1nQIDBMzI0

Mõt-te-tus

oleks üpris paslik sõna tänase päeva kokkuvõtmiseks. Päevane suur töö = istumine ja mõtlemine, miks mind siia vaja on. Õhtune suur pidu = külmetamine ja istumine ja mõtlemine, miks ma ikka veel siin olen. Mulle tundub, et päev olnuks märksa produktiivsem, kui ma esimese poole veetnuks mingeid koduseid ülesandeid tehes ja teise poole George Martinit lugedes. Produktiivne töö ja lõbu garanteeritud. Muidugi siis ma tunneksin ilmselt veel rohkem, et päev raisku läinud ja ei teinud neid asju, mida võinuks. Nojah, nüüd ma siis tegin neid. Ei saa öelda, et istusin terve päeva kodus ja ei jõudnud kellegagi mitte kusagile. Aga mõttetu tunne on ikkagi. Ja natuke pahane enda peale, et aeg jälle kuidagi ebaproduktiivselt kulus.

Muidugi produktiivsus on üldse madal. Vahepeal tundub, et ainult ajaraiskamisega ma tegelengi. Aeg on nii piiratud, noorust on nii vähe alles, aga enamik päevi ei tee ma ikkagi suurt midagi meeldejäävat. Ma võiksin nii palju edasi liikuda ja areneda. Kuidas ma ka ei ürita, jäävad nii paljud võimalused kasutamata. Vahel ei tule nad mulle õigel ajal pähegi. Õieti ei teagi, mis on üldse neist kõige tähtsamad. Millel õieti peaks minu elus prioriteet olema.

Nojah. Vähemalt on mul võimalik endal selliste asjade üle otsustada. Selliseid ühiskondi ja ajajärke, mis seda lubavad, ei ole ilmselt palju.