:)

I still don't know where I'm going - but at least where I am now is starting to make sense to me. I can finally see it fitting into the general picture. In the right place at the right time. Maybe that's all I need to know for now.

Head mälestused

Umbes aasta tagasi istusin ma öisele bussile Madridist Malagasse, et sealt edasi minna Nerjasse külla ühele mu senise elu tähtsaimatest ja kallimatest inimestest. Varahommikul jõudis buss kohale, väljas oli esialgu veel pime ja sadas. Mõtlesin esimese poole päevast omaette linnas ringi jalutada ja siis edasi sõita. Bussijaamas kaarti ei olnud, nii et hakkasin lihtsalt liikuma. Lõpuks küsisin siis kelleltki, kus suunas kesklinn jääda võiks - tuli välja muidugi, et täpselt vastassuunas. Päike hakkas vaikselt tõusma juba, vahepeal käisid lühikesed vihmahood üle. Jalutasin mere vaateulatuses kesklinna suunas. Pildistasin vett ja vana purjelaeva, mis kai juures eksponaadina seisis. Sealt edasi katedraali ja muude ehitiste juurde. Põhiliselt aga niisama mööda tänavaid liikumine, kõige ümbritseva endasse haaramine.

Sellest pärastlõunast on eredalt meeles see absoluutse vabaduse tunne, mis mind valdas. Ma olen seal üksinda täiesti tundmatus kohas, kaartigi pole kaasas, ja ma lihtsalt lähen ja kõnnin kuhu iganes tahan, vaatan mida iganes tahan. Olen täiesti vaba kogema seda uut kohta minu enda viisil. Mäletan, et istusin mingi hetk ühte kohvikusse maha hommikust sööma. Taustaks mängis telekas mingi hispaaniakeelse muusika kanal. Sealt jäi mulle pähe kõlama Nelly Furtado "Manos Al Aire", mis sisult mitte kuidagi sellise iseseisvuse ja vabaduse emotsiooniga seotud pole... aga minu jaoks tuletab see meelde toda hommikupoolikut ja noid tundeid-mõtteid: maailm on mulle valla, ma olen vaba, ma saan kõigega hakkama.

Ilmselt mu Hispaanias-oleku ilusamaid hetki. :)

Muidugi nädalavahetus, mis sealt edasi läks, oli veel edasi üha tõusvas joones vägev. Aga sellest võib-olla mõni teine kord. Hetkel tahtsin just seda ühte emotsiooni edasi anda.

But coming to my own personal life...

maybe I wasn't that wrong after all. Maybe somewhere underneath all those layers of illusions and idealisation there is something genuine that's meant to stay after all. :)

Scorpio

I think the musical equivalent of it would be Diary of Dreams. The very darkest, very deepest part of who we are. Touching upon the central matters of existence, power(lessness), our very basic needs and fears... the essence of human nature, the nature of the connections we make with each other. Going beyond the superficial, the little distinctions and bits of information and everyday tasks. Going archetypal, it can never really be anything less than that. All our masks get stripped away in absolute darkness. Everything we consider to be ourselves, and yet at the same time we're more fully ourselves than ever, completely present. Not in a happy way. Just authentic. The way we're fully present and ourselves when we are facing something we fear. I think Whitley Strieber's "Communion" gives a pretty good feel of it. Tarot: Eight, Nine, and Ten of Swords.

Speaking of Diary of Dreams: here's an example of what I had in mind.

Bittersweet

Life in transition. Change is the only constant. I have good memories with people I once saw reflecting my ideals. Moments of inspiration. It's worth being thankful for. It's okay to move on. So what if my path isn't one that involves lifelong connections with childhood friends. I'm not about roots that way, the traditional way it works. Whatever my roots may be, I need to find them myself, make the connection as a discerning adult. I'm growing up and the things I used to consider absolute are not necessarily so any more. In the end, they may just be habits. Maybe my "bests" weren't that in any absolute way, they just happened to be the most oustanding ones in the context of my environment. Maybe the fact that I can see that context better now doesn't mean whatever comes new is worth less. Zen - seeing the world through the eyes of a child. The awe, the appreciation of what is so easy to take for granted. And being willing to put the necessary effort into it. Relationships of all kind are about time and attention and growing together. Forming a "we" beyond people's individual identities. Minds and hearts and story lines intertwined.

Five of Cups. Something lost, something remains. In the face of all my illusions going poof there is one old connection that's just growing stronger by the day. A beautiful friendship that I hope will last for long to come.

I am who I am and I do what I do as well as I can. I don't know if I'm right or wrong or rational or not. I just do my best, given the circumstances. I can only hope that's good enough.

Smile and the world smiles at you. Maybe it's time to learn that smiling is okay regardless of whether the world replies in kind or not.

So a smile to all you beautiful people. :)

melaniin

sinu silmade värv on nagu
tee mis on nii kaua
seisnud et seda juues jõuab
magama siis kui väljas juba
valgeks läheb

mu enda omad päris sellesse
kanguseklassi ei kuulu pigem
midagi värskelt vaaritatut
äkki paar minutit tõmmanud
ilmselt teist liiki puru ka

aga ikkagi sarnasemad kui
nendel suvetaeva ja merelaine
inimestel kes 58-ndal
laiuskraadil teevad meile
numbrites igati ära

nad vohavad nagu viburloomad
sogases lahesopis ja see on
tegelikult isegi hea sest nii
saame ka meie oma
dominantsete geenidega
vahelduseks erilised olla

science fiction

you chose yourself a name that
with its very essence brought the
thought of a brilliant star

traveling through space in your free
time watching worlds others have
created before you

electronics both uplifts and
imprisons you playing logic games for
work instead of sleeping

i still go to bed at night
dream up some cosmic
story lines myself

inception of a different kind
reality intermingled with wishful
thinking fantasies on a grandiose
scale including waterfalls and galaxies
and you

i wonder if you watch this too

I'm too sexy for my class

or, in other words, the essay that according to the teacher "was so brilliant it made him doubt" - whether I was the real author was no doubt the thought that was left unsaid. I don't know if it's brilliant or not, but it was clearly one of those rare instances where I could actually be bothered to do more than the bare minimum for an acceptable grade. Because I found a topic that actually interested me. A topic that I think is quite relevant for all of us as we go through our everyday lives facing decisions to be made. Anyway, I thought I'd share it with you.


Sleep on it and trust your feelings

Recently I needed to make a decision. It was a pretty complex one as decisions go: as a new member of a student organisation, I had to choose a mentor from among those more experienced. Now there's a fair number of people who had been around for a while. If seniority had been the main criterion for selection, I could have just looked at their joining dates and gone with the oldest. I wish. Obviously, experience with the organisation was important, but more than the number of semesters of membership it mattered what a person had done with that time. I wanted someone who'd been active enough to know the way things work really well. However if the person was overly busy, he/she would hardly have much time for me. Also, personal compatibility mattered. Where among the hundreds of potentially relevant variables would I start? Was a good sense of humour more or less important than a sense of responsibility? What about mutual interests? What about his/her attitude to euthanasia or gay marriage?

As you can imagine, I was getting pretty confused by this point. I'd had a chance to speak to most members of the organisation and I could see myself getting along with most of them. I tried to think of the most relevant criteria for judging compatibility, but one person would score higher on one and another on another. There was also one who I kept thinking about as my potential mentor, but there didn't really seem to be an obvious reason for choosing him.

Oh yes, those gut feelings. People must've wondered about the value of those for probably as long as rational thinking has been around. Should I go with the hunch or should I try to come to a good solid consciously made decision – or, in more simple words, listen to the heart or the head? Romantics and the spiritually minded folk have generally had faith in the former, those of a more rational inclination in the latter. After all, you don't do arithmetics or calculus with your heart, do you?

In case you had any doubt, psychologists have by now established quite firmly that it is in fact the brain that does the math – and the vast majority of other information processing that goes on in humans. Also, it's the conscious mind that weights the various attributes of various options, coming to a sound decision after some thorough deliberation. Being a volunteer counsellor on the website lahendus.net, I have repeatedly suggested that my clients do just that when they've had a difficult decision to make. Get a pen and a sheet of paper, write down the options, write down the positives and negatives of each, consider the relative importance of the various points, choose the best one.

Cause you can figure out the criteria that matter. Right? Even when there's a lot of information to be considered. Especially then. I mean, when you've got a complex decision to make, your conscious mind can definitely do a better job than your unconscious. Right? Right?

Wrong. At least that's what Ap Dijksterhuis and his colleagues would tell you – with plenty of experimental data to prove their point. (Bos et al, 2008; Dijksterhuis et al, 2006; Dikjsterhuis et al, 2009; Dijksterhuis & Aarts, 2010; Dijksterhuis & Nordgren, 2006; Dijksterhuis & Olden, 2006; Strick et al, 2010) What they're saying is that with complex decisions, conscious deliberation doens't help at all. In fact, it can actually hurt you.

That's what 113 University of Amsterdam undergraduates experienced first hand. Dijksterhuis and Olden (2006) sat them each in a separate cubicle with a computer and showed them five different digital art posters. Some of the students were then immediately asked to choose their favourite. Another group was asked to think hard about which one they like the most and why. They were given a total of seven and a half minutes to do this and shown the posters again, each for a minute and a half. Only after that did they have to make a decision. Yet others were asked to spend those 7,5 minutes solving anagrams – and select their favourite after that. Also, all the participants were asked to rate each picture according to how much they'd liked it. Once they'd done that, they were told they could take the poster they'd chosen home with them. A few weeks later, they were called and asked how satisfied they were with their choice. (Dijksterhuis & Olden, 2006)

The results? One would expect 450 seconds of conscious contemplating to do some good. After all, the lucky bunch got to spend 90 seconds of quality time with each poster: examine it, think about their preferences, compare the picture to those preferences, and so on. Surely they have an advantage over the other two groups?

As you can already guess by now, that's not exactly what happened. The actual results showed no difference between the group that spent 450 seconds thinking about the relative merits of the posters and the one that had to choose immediately. All that deliberation, all that weighing of the pros and cons didn't lead to a better decision than simply going with the first impression. (Dijksterhuis & Olden, 2006)

On the other hand, satisfaction was significantly higher for the group that spent their seven and a half minutes solving anagrams. Yes, that's right, spending time on a completely irrelevant task made their eventual choices better than those of the other groups. The key point was that before tackling those word problems they were told they'd be asked about their poster preferences later. They knew they had to choose one (Dijksterhuis & Olden, 2006). As Bos et al (2008) have later shown, that was the bit that made the difference.

You see, our conscious processing abilities are terribly limited. As George Miller pointed out in his classic article, the magical number is seven items, plus or minus two (Miller, 1956). But what if you have dozens of criteria to take into consideration? You're out of luck: you can only be aware of so many things at a time. Inevitably, you settle for comparing a few aspects that you think matter most – or simply happen to remember best. As far as you're concerned, the rest of the information simply goes down the drain.

However, that's just the conscious mind we're talking about. Dijksterhuis and Nordgren (2006) point out that those infamous processing limitations do not apply to the unconscious. We can deal with large amounts of data – group little bits of info into meaningful clusters, distinguish overall good options from overall bad ones, form impressions, make decisions – without ever becoming aware of it. Until, of course, the processing has been completed and the result pops into our mind as that all- familiar gut feeling. You only need to set your mind working on a choice to be made.

Of course, one could argue that art doesn't belong in the domain of pragmaticism and logic, any way. Rational conscious thinking might not help with choosing a favourite picture, but that might be as far as it goes. And of course, Dijksterhuis and colleagues didn't stop at that one experiment. They had subjects choose between cars and various supermarket products (Dijksterhuis et al, 2006), apartments (Dijksterhuis & Nordgren, 2006) more cars and potential roommates (Bos et al, 2008), and even predict soccer matches (Dijksterhuis et al, 2009). No matter where they turned, they just kept getting the same results.

They did find that unconscious thought (as they call the phenomenon) has its limitations. It definitely doesn't do our math for us. In general, decisions with relatively few criteria to consider and ones that need high precision are best made consciously (Dijksterhuis & Nordgren, 2006). Payne et al (2008) have added that unconscious processing has quite limited sensitivity to magnitudes.

Still, even with limitations, UTT (Unconscious Thought Theory) is pretty controversial material. You can't expect a few researchers to throw this bomb of a news on the scientific community and not be received with some skepticism. Lassiter et al (2009) and Waroquier et al (2010) did their own experiments and suggested that the data could be explained more parsimoniously by the distinction between on-line and memory-based judgment. According to them, the „unconscious thought“ subjects simply made their mind up already while acquiring information.

Stringer et al (2010) have already replied with an article explaining how according to their latest data there's definitely some unconscious thought going on. The choices made by people after a period of distraction are in fact considerably different from those made immediately after information is presented. However, while they're gathering the facts, people do need be aware it's for making a choice eventually. The initial process of acquiring and encoding information has to be conscious – and the information needs to be sufficient for making a good decision. (Dijksterhuis & Nordgren, 2006)

The debate is likely to continue for some time and more research needs to be done before anyone can say much with full confidence. As we stand, though, we're definitely seeing one of our basic assumptions about decision making called into question. Even the critics of UTT are not claiming conscious thought to be necessarily superior – they're just saying its problem is limited memory rather than anything else.

After a few weeks of unsuccessfully trying to choose my mentor the good old comparing-the-pros-and-cons-consciously way I could definitely see that wasn't working.

So what do the proponents of UTT have for us as a solution?

Apparently, not throwing away that pros-and-cons list. In fact, they say deliberate information-gathering is an integral part of the way to good decisions. The initial steps are exactly the same we've come to expect: try to find out as much about the options as possible, set yourself the goal to choose the best one. Once you've done that, however, take your mind off the issue and go do something else for a while. Eventually, you're going to get a hunch you want to go for a certain option. That's your unconscious saying it's now finished working, please receive your requested results here. (Dijksterhuis & Nordgren, 2006)

Sounds a bit strange? Then again, remember the well-known saying how mathematicians get their best ideas in the three B's: bed, bath, and bus. Archimedes is a well-known example of the ideas-in-bath instance – probably because he then proceeded to run around naked on the streets of Syracuse shouting „Eureka“. My flatmate who's a computer scientist also believes in the inspiring effect of soaking in warm water (so far, no public nudity included). Watson saw the structure of the DNA in a dream.

Might the little voice whispering „choose that guy as your mentor“ be correct after all? Having acquainted myself with the latest research on UTT, I decided I might as well listen to it. With my conscious mind seriously struggling to reach any sort of conclusion, the idea seemed reasonable enough. So that's what I did. I don't yet know all the long-term implications of this choice – just like I don't know what the truth is in the matter of unconscious thought. I do know, however, that Dijksterhuis and colleagues have lifted gut feelings out of the realm of the mystical and into serious science. Where their research will lead, remains to be seen.

References

Bos, M.W., Dijksterhuis, A., van Baaren, R. B. (2008) On the goal-dependency of unconscious thought. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 44, 1114-1120

Dijksterhuis, A., Aarts, H. (2010) Goals, Attention, and (Un)Consciousness. Annual Review of Psychology, 61, 467-490

Dijksterhuis, A., Bos, M.W., Nordgren L.F., van Baaren, R. B. (2006) On Making the Right Choice: The Deliberation-Without-Attention Effect. Science, 311, 1005-1007

Dijksterhuis, A., Bos, M.W., van der Leij, A., van Baaren, R.B. (2009) Predicting Soccer Matches After Unconscious and Conscious Thought as a Function of Expertise. Psychological Science, 20, 1381-1387

Dijksterhuis, A., Nordgren, L.F. (2006) A Theory of Unconscious Thought. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 1, 95-109

Dijksterhuis, A., van Olden, Z. (2006) On the benefits of thinking unconsciously: Unconscious thought can increase post- choice satisfaction. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42, 627-631

Lassiter, G.D., Lindberg, M.J., Gonzales-Vallejo, C., Bellezza, F.S., Phillips, N.D. (2009) The Deliberation-Without Attention Effect: Evidence for an Artifactual Interpretation. Psychological Science, 20, 671-675

Miller, G. (1956) The magical number seven, plus or minus two: Some limits on our capacity of processing information. The Psychological Review, 63(2), 81-97

Payne, J.W., Samper, A., Bettman, J.R., Luce, M.F. (2008) Boundary Conditions on Unconscious Thought in Complex Decision Making. Psychological Science, 19, 1118-1123

Strick, M., Dijksterhuis, A., van Baaren, R.B. (2010) Unconscious-Thought Effects Take Place Off-Line, Not On-Line. Psychological Science, 21, 484-488

Waroquier, L., Marchiori, D., Klein, O., Cleeremans, A. (2010) Is It Better to Think Unconsciously or to Trust Your First Impression? A Reassessment of Unconscious Thought Theory. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 1, 111-118

Karma

Lifepaths intertwined. Sometimes only when looking do you realise to what extent seemingly small things you say or do can end up influencing another person - and vice versa. Maybe I'm just seeing a coherent story the way people see faces on the surface of Mars. But unlike the shadows of the hills of other planets, everyday life is here and now and immediately relevant. There are patterns in the course of events, though often they are only visible in hindsight. Looking back, I can see how certain steps - encounters, discussions, choices - led to others. How the story of one relationship influenced a second which influenced a third which again influenced the first and a fourth and so on. How my own story influenced that of someone else's and hers came back to influence mine to influence his to influence mine and so on. Kind of like the butterfly effect.

Then again

when you expect whistles, it's flutes
when you expect flutes, it's whistles

Saturn - a close encounter

Solid earth. At last I am becoming friends with that element. The one that is completely honest, completely real. Completely there. Where changes make a difference, where you know more or less what it is you need to make a difference. Structure, stability. Holds everything else together. The solid ground our hopes and dreams need to stand upon.

Leaving behind everything that doesn't stand the test. Of all the things that could've been the ones to go, I'd never have guessed the ones that did. The ideas and relationships I thought were closest to my core, my inspiration. I suppose I'm growing up and all that.

Kindel maa

Elu on kuidagi jõudnud mingisuguse stabiilsuse juurde. Elava ja vaheldusrikka, kuid rohkete kindlate pidepunktidega. Rahuldustpakkuv igapäevasus.

Going poetic again

ginger now means the hair of the
girl whose presence you appreciated as
a silent thing in the back of your
mind watching you try to
be a gentleman

with all others you were good enough
subject to failings just like all human
beings in the early 21-st century
caveman dna still running the show
unmodified by anything other than
soft layers of culture

but with her you distilled the essence of
what made you different from the fleshy
breed of refrigerator-men at work lifting
weights later going to the pub drinking
fighting catching a chick or two for the
night going strong since the cro-magnons

in the imaginary world built on the
synapses between your brain cells you were
civilised with ease talked well danced like a
prince during spring ball smiled listened
opened doors made little gestures of attention

you liked having long conversations with her
then moving on to touch and taste
her locks vaguely reminiscent of your favourite
spice her scent filling your pleasure centres while
others watched you grinning through your closed
eyes then went on minding their own business

Ginger

I think I must be addicted to insanity. But it's beautiful to find how little things obtain a significance that captures my attention in a sense of wonder. How a single word can develop these whole other dimensions of meaning: gentleness, warmth, appreciation, respect... so that when it's used in a sentence, my mind stops to feel its impact.

Ah well, who needs to be calm and focused anyway when one is young and wants to live.

OK. Wow. "There is something ahead." Prophetic words. I didn't expect this particular something... though then again I did, just not so soon, not today. Well, I did my best. I just hope my best was good enough.

First swirlings

The story is picking up again. I can feel it - the little synchronicities, connections unraveling around me. Mystery and beauty. There is something ahead, I don't know what it is yet. There is something happening and I don't know where it will go, if I will fly to the stars or fall back down, but I feel I'm lifting and for now it's joy. Anticipation. A step into the fascinating unknown. I don't even know yet if it's air or water - or both in some strange way. Will I drown or burn or reach the radiant core... I'm not supposed to know. I'm a character inside the story and it wouldn't be much of a tale if I knew where it goes. I can just walk step after step, going with my feelings, trusting the Universe and my own heart. I don't know if there is pain or happiness ahead, but either one can be beautiful. It is up to me to make it so. To stay open to the sense of wonder... to be truly alive.

Sügisene

Vaatan, kuidas kaselehed pudenevad, tuul kannab neid natuke aega ja siis nad laskuvad maha. Taevas on pilved. Sees on vaikne, maavärvi seinad ja puidust uks ja aknalaud ja mööbel ja rahu. Ulrich Schnaussi muusika kannab mind nagu tuul lehti, kui ma silmad kinni panen, siis olen ära. Aga kui ma jälle ümberringi vaatan, siis see ongi juba täiuslik, sest need helid ja see pilt sobivad täiuslikult kokku. Sügis ja heaolu peatumises, endaga hetkes viibimises. Ilus on. Justkui maailm olekski selline, ilus ja rahulik ja täis mingit salajast võlu. Puude ja pilvkatte tagant jõuavad päikesekiired hetkeks mu näoni. Naeratan.

Aitäh. :)

Something shifted tonight. Something has begun to move. I don't know where yet, but I know I had a choice to make and I made the right one. A simple, small everyday choice. Just a "yes". Maybe a "yes" is what makes the difference.

Talking about tales again

I've been reading these books about people and their lives, and it makes me aware of how the stories of life around me are no less interesting than the fictional ones. Stories of goodness, of love and high ideals. Of sorrow and loneliness, betrayal and alienation. Of growth and hope, of difficulties and a spirit strong enough to live through it all and see a light far ahead somewhere. Small everyday magic. Eventual happiness for at least some, I hope. I hope I can be a positive character in the stories of my friends. Watching the events unfold, trying to be there at the right time in the right way. Not always sure what is right. Not always up to doing the best possible thing even when I do have a clue what it is. But I would like to think doing the best possible thing I can at each particular moment. All that any of us can do really. I read these books about how people hurt each other so much and it's a thing to be thankful for that at least for the moment I am free from all that. I'm in this little corner of time and space where people are nice to each other, where there is caring and mutual support, where it's quiet in a good way - peaceful and calm. Where there is friendship that is worth so much. I don't know where the story will go from here, but right now I'm just glad and thankful for this.

All the while it's so hard to see where my own story is going. A new start in a familiar world - similar to the one I remember from a year ago, but not quite the same. Not really sure if I should be thinking of this as a start or a continuation. Places I know, people I know... but the thread got lost a year ago. The overall thread. I thought I could come back to it, to make something new and beautiful grow further from two individual threads, but it turned out my lifelong friend wasn't one and my revered ideal wasn't one, either. Maybe it was just the nature of the period to find everything a dead end. I don't know. Maybe I'm not supposed to know what my True Destiny is or if there is such a thing. Just trying to figure it out, trying to understand what is truly meaningful about my life. My conclusion so far: assumptions based on your life thus far may tell you little about what is yet to come. Especially when you're still young and everything around you is in flux.

I mean, everything may have happened the only way it could've happened. Inevitable. Everybody doing the best they can. And you know what, it doesn't matter. I feel angry and disappointed. ...and even now I suspect I'm feeling that simply because it's something clear and passionate, a string of the old story that hasn't quite died yet. I go over the old songs, blogs, emotions because at least there's the familiar nostalgia. Memories of the pieces of the past I had to let go. Maybe not even permanently, but it will never be the same again. Two bubbles broken and vanished into air. I suppose the fantasy of the human ideal couldn't have stood the test of real life. But the friendship one could've. Should've. But then again, it should've been more than a bubble. And thing is, I'm anxious to move on. I guess there just hasn't been much of a storyline since then. A gray area between the old and the new. Immersing myself in the stories of others.

Oh well. I have earthy friends, real friends rather than phantasms of air and fire I've concocted to project my ideals. Something to appreciate.

Hope

Maybe some things are possible. Even when there's an abyss separating two worlds, sometimes you can build bridges. Just a little fragile fledgling connection, a thread running from one side to the other. A call that you send out into the unknown, hopeful yet aware it might get lost or worse - and then you hear a reply.

New start

Well, kind of old new - a lot of familiar pieces, but put together in a different manner. Some of what used to be central relegated to periphery, other previously distant elements showing potential to become primary. Little of it definite for now. But promising - I hope. With the image of my airy demigod dissolved, I don't know what to look for in the clouds any more. But I suppose believing in him carried me to a place where I could stand on my own feet. Just like the first time.

Freedom, closure, transition. I suppose I'm just a bit nostalgic. It's sad when something beautiful has ended, even when you know it's for the best. When there are things that remind you how you dreamed it to be. Memories of emotions you once felt.

Books read Sep 2009 - Aug 2010

Martin Lindstrom "Buy-ology"

• C.S. Lewis "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"
• Umberto Eco "Foucault's Pendulum"
• C.S. Lewis "The Narnia Chronicles: The Magician's Nephew"
• Katie MacAlister "A Girl's Guide to Vampires"
• Edward Lucas "Uus külm sõda"
• Edward de Bono "Practical Thinking"
• Stephenie Meyer "Eclipse"
• Stephenie Meyer "New Moon"
• Stephenie Meyer "Twilight"
• Martin Kala "Uued mütoloogiad"
• Dan Ariely "Predictably Irrational"
• R.J. Fallon "Is Richard Dawkins the New Messiah?"
• Иван Тургенев „Накануне“
• Craig Harbison "Renessansskunst põhja pool Alpe"
• Иван Тургенев „Дворянское гнездо“
• Malcolm Gladwell "Outliers"
• Иван Тургенев „Рудин“
• Richard Wiseman "59 seconds"
• Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi "Flow"
• Julio Cortazar "Todos los fuegos el fuego"
• Evan Imber-Black, Janine Roberts "Rituals for our Times"
• Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi "Finding Flow"
• Michael Jacoby Brown "Building Powerful Community Organizations"
• Susan Hendrick, Clyde Hendrick "Liking, Loving & Relating"
• Patti Feuerstein "Invisible Girls"
• George A. Fraser "The Dilemma of Ritual Abuse"
• Barry L. Duncan, Joseph W. Rock "Overcoming Relationship Impasses"
• Mary Stewart "The Hollow Hills"
• Robert J. Sternberg "Love is a Story"
• David Fontana "Aprender meditación zen"
• Pedro Menchén "Una playa muy lejana"
• Vicente Ortiz "Hipnoterapia"
• Alfredo Diez "El lider interior"
• James M. Jaranson, Michael K. Popkin "Caring for Victims of Torture"
• Agustin San Jaime "Primeros auxilios"
• Laura L. Smith & Charles H. Elliott "Depresión para dummies"
• Ingemar Svantesson "Mapas de aprendizaje y técnicas de memorización"
• James Redfield "The Secret of Shambhala"
• James Redfield "The Celestine Vision"
• Michael Newton "Life Between Lives"
• Kate Distin "Gifted Children"
• N.J. Mackintosh "IQ and Human Intelligence"
• F.E. Halliday "A Concise History of England"
• "Comer sano para vivir mejor"
• Dan Brown "Angels and Demons"
• Mary Stewart "The Crystal Cave"
• "Décadas de moda"
• Ray Sahelian, Victoria Dolby Toews "Gripe y resfriados: cómo prevenirlos y curarlos"
• Julia Glass "Three Junes"
• "The Poetry Anthology 1912-2002"
• Harriet Worsley "De Blanco"
• Sophie Milenovich "Kimonos"
• "111 secretos sobre la historia de la masoneria"
• Dion Fortune "Through the Gates of Death"
• Dion Fortune "Los Ordenes esotericos y su trabajo"
• Albert Ellis, Catherine MacLaren "Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy: A Therapist's Guide"
• Dion Fortune "Amor y sexo segun el ocultismo"
• Brian Weiss "Muchas vidas, muchos maestros"
• Christopher Jacq "La masoneria"

Digging through the Earth element

I don't really like the limitations of reality. Aware of them again. Only so much that I can do. Only so much that a person born at a certain time and place, to a particular family in a particular environment can do. Depends on where the currents are going, where the borders are set.

There are things one can potentially change or achieve - there, too, a lot depends on what one is given from birth, talents and personality and the like. But other places one can go to only if one is born on the right side of the border. There are things I can never be in this lifetime. Of course it doesn't really matter when seen from a broader perspective. Then again, the broader perspective has rarely been favourable for mankind as a whole.

The choices being a second-rate citizen or a speck of dust... in either case evanescent, limited, insignificant. No, I like my fantasies better. There I can be anyone I want.

I guess maybe I'm not so different from J. after all. Perhaps in this one sense he has been more honest to the world than me.

Romance. Who needs the real thing when you've got the ideal in books and movies?

Foucault's Pendulum

Finished reading the book today. I think Eco must've been insane writing it. Then again there's always been a fine line between madness and genius. I kind of like how it is at once an ego trip and mocking self-irony. Though I'm not entirely sure why he needed 533 pages to prove his point. Oh well, I suppose it all depends on what one hopes to find from the book. In my case that something was a good captivating plot, but while the general subject matter appealed somewhat to my occult freak side, the story wasn't exactly a page-turner. In fact, I think with all those lists of names and general language style, the book ranks somewhere close to the Old Testament in reader-friendliness. Then again I wouldn't be surprised if those lists of names were actually an allusion to the Old Testament.

Now, I'm sure his fellow scholars of semiotics and the like may find the whole thing delightful. I do have to say it's brilliant every step of the way as far as the pure complexity of the story is concerned. But how something like that could become an international bestseller is beyond me. Unless reading Eco has really become an intellectual status symbol to that extent. Then again, I suppose that's exactly the case.

Misty dreamworlds

Image

Sound
Sound 2

Creating little personal realities of colour and sound and shape and texture. Borderline physical/imaginary.

Fantasies of Steppenwolf. Don't know if there's a Demian any more. Don't know about finding, about seeking. I believe in moments now - moods, impressions. Somewhere on that ethereal level, my dreams live on.

Raamatukoi

Keegi kunagi kuskil väitis, et ilukirjanduse puhul on 60 lk/h keskmine lugemiskiirus. Tänase pärastlõuna keskmine oli umbes 100 lk/h, nii et kui kõik need kommentaarid teemal ma loen kiiremini kui isik X peaksid tõele vastama, siis vähemalt see äkki ei tähenda, et Tartu Ülikooli tudengitel on tekkinud massiline lugemispuue vms.

Täna kohtusin ma Temaga. Päriselt. Lõpuks.

Yesod/ Reality-illusion

The human mind can understand value only in relative terms. How can we stop comparing our lives to those of others any way? And the insidious double effect of the stories we read/see: the more marvellous the fantasy world to drown yourself into for a few hours, the more limited and dull real life appears when you return to it again. While depressing tales can end up making you appreciate more the luck you've had.

Really. Who are these people who believe we could ever perceive some kind of absolute truth?

Today I got both. Marvellous tales of fantasy and depressing tales of real life. Not my own life, last week has been great. I was actually going to write about how I have so much to be thankful for etc, but then I thought I might as well indulge in watching a bit of fiction. Perhaps I would've been better off choosing something else. Does reality even stand a chance compared to all the wonders that the mind can conjure?

And yet such mythical tales, mystical moments need not be entirely illusory. I think for the first time since childhood I'm starting to understand the need to act the stories rather than simply read/watch/imagine them. Only it's not so much the acting as the experiencing. Just like when I was a child and played I was somebody else, what mattered was not so much an observable change in my behaviour as the shift inside to a different kind of personality through which to perceive the world. I think I'm a bit more aware of the relativity of reality again. Only strongly physical experiences like death, illness, pain - the very basic limitations of our nature - seem too strong to leave room for interpretation.

Maybe I've managed to set my feet on the ground solidly enough to allow for some fairy dust again now.

Beauty and the Beast

Back in Pärnu for a few days. So far so good.

Was thinking earlier about the power of beauty. Traditionally seen as something ennobling human nature. One of the cornerstones of what we might call civilisation. Also considered to be primarily a domain of women.

As I'm far too sleepy to say much more, I'll just give you a link to the old classic tale that illustrates my thoughts. With just a little side note that Jung mentioned the story as a symbol of a girl's journey to adulthood in one of his books. I'm not entirely sure how that works out... but there is something archetypal about it, isn't there.

Also, for the Greeks, Aphrodite wasn't one, but two: Urania the heavenly and Pandemos the earthly one. Looks like I'm not the only one to find a connection between aesthetic and spiritual experiences.

Tallinnas

Täna ööseks siis. Homme Hiiumaale, sealt edasi... näis. Miski jälle liigub. See on hea. Ilmselgelt on praegu liikumist vaja.

Täna siis selline meeleolu.

Tegu on juunikuu 23. postitusega, mis tähendab, et senise blogipidamise aja jooksul on juuni 2010 kõige kõrgema kirjutamissagedusega kuu.

Muidu jätkub seis läänerindel muutusteta. Kusagil mineviku ja tuleviku unistuste vahepeal.

Hannese blogist - vastupandamatu test

Tulemus ka. :-P

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Öömõtteid

Täna ma siis vahelduseks tegin midagi produktiivset ka ja vastasin paarile kirjale lahendus.net-is. Muidu on ikka selline maeiteamis, sihitus, segadus. Hetkel vähemalt mõnes osas lootusrikkam... eks igal öötaeval ole oma tähed. Täiskuu praegu ka taevas pilku püüdmas. Käisin paar tundi tagasi emaga jalutamas ja nägime seda, lisaks ühe kassi väljasirutatud laipa mingi maja ees trepil. Ei teagi, kas kurjakuulutav või lihtsalt märguanne, et maailm on märksa müstilisem kui vahel tundub. On mingid lood. Võib-olla mitte need suured kangelaseeposed, milles salajasi igatseme ilmselt kõik peaosa mängida... aga see ei tähenda, et meie väikesed, individuaalsed elujutustused tähtsusetud oleks. Me võime luua omaenda erilise reaalsuse, sõlmida ja harutada oma narratiivilõnga. Mis siis, et see suures kangas põhitooni ei anna. Väikest ääremustrit, detaile on ka vaja. Vahel muudavad just näiliselt tagasihoidlikud elemendid kogu rõivatüki eriliseks.

Head jaanipäeva!

Ootused, plaanid ja muu taoline võivad suvepuhkusele minna. See ongi vist see kõige suurem häda hetkel: pidev küsimus sellest, kas minu poolt hetkel tehtav/öeldav/tuntav vastab mingile ideaalpildile, mis mul Eestisse naasmisest vahepeal tekkinud oli. Lõppude lõpuks, mida on halba selles, kui hetkel tahangi lihtsalt olla ja nautida ning pean inimesi ideedest tähtsamaks? Eriti kui hetkel see igati võimalik on.

Ühesõnaga kaks meeleolu:

Tartu

Eesti

No ja mis siis, et kõik ei ole nii, nagu aasta tagasi oodatud sai? Mis siis, et ma ei ole täiuslik ega isegi mitte sellele lähedal. Igikestvat mälestusmärki enda eksistentsist ei jäta meist keegi maha... isegi ajaloo suurimad nimed ununevad kord. Täna, praegu, neid sõnu kirjutades piisab mulle sellest, et mõnede mu silmes eriliste inimeste jaoks olen piisavalt hea, et nad minuga suhelda tahaksid. Mis siis, et lõpuks oleme kosmilise tolmu kübemed universumi mänguväljakul. Ilu, armastus, naer ja muusika annavad võimaluse olla õnnelik isegi siis, kui suurem pilt ja tähendus selgusetuks jääb.

Aitäh maailmale, et mul on elusolendite seas haruldane võimalus vähemalt hetketi midagi õnnelaadset tunda.

Entroopia

Jälle. Jätkuvalt. Sai just kuus tundi arvuti taga istutud, ilma et isegi seda ühte asja ära teinuks, mille osas tänaseks kindel plaan oli. Tühjus jätkub. Võib-olla ma ootangi liiga kiiresti liiga palju. Ma ei tea. Ükskõik on. Või tegelikult muidugi ei ole. Millegi osas mitte. Lihtsalt see miski ei kuulu siia ja praegusse. Siin ja praegust on ükskõik. Plaanidest ka. Ei jaksa, ei oska, ei viitsi. Kuhu ma ikka lähen. ...nojah, kusagile, kus on inimesi, kes mind innustavad. Ainult et palju ma omalt poolt neile innustavalt mõjuda suudan... igasugu suurtest ideedest ja taolisest on hetkel ükskõik. Tahan lihtsalt olla ja suhelda inimestega, kellega mul hea on. Lihtsalt seda.

Tegelikult ma tahan, et 19. juuni õhtu kestaks ikka veel. Jah. Suured ja elulised küsimused lähevad minust mööda, mis siis, et praegu just "see õige aeg" nende lahendamiseks justkui olema peaks. Ma tahan lihtsalt tantsida nõrkemiseni ja seda läbinisti nautida. Vahelduseks niimoodi, et keegi teine peale minu ka veel samas ruumis on.

The picture says it all

Jung's animus/anima theory has a point to it. Sometimes it's good to have an image of perfection you can compare real people to. (And sometimes, of course, it isn't - but the current moment doesn't belong to that category.)

Kogukondade kokkutulek

http://www.kogukonnad.ee/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=125:pressiteade1&catid=1:latest-news&Itemid=90

Õnnelikud päevad. Rahutud, aga õnnelikud. Sain natuke oma igatsetud Eesti kevadet. Tulevik on jälle lahti, elu on helge ja kusagil seal Maarjamaa eri nurkades on need inimesed, tänu kellele see nädalavahetus võimalikuks sai. Kindlat ei ole midagi ja uut suunda pole ikka leidnud, aga hetkel tundub see nõnda isegi okei. Hetkel piisab mulle teadmisest, kui palju on veel Eestis ilusat, mida avastada. Teadmisest, et mingid teed on jälle lahti ja et ma olen teretulnud.

Aitäh!

King of Swords reversed

I've been reading Turgenev a bit lately. He wrote this brilliant story called "Rudin" that sums just about everything up.

Kevad on läbi

Punkt. Selge nagu Ülemiste järve pind, mida täna läbi raudvõre eemalt nägin. Ühteaegu vabastav ja kurb. Loobuda on alati raske, isegi kui tead, et see on hetkel parim valik võimalikest. Siiski, mõõduka taganttõukega ja usaldusväärse pinnasega jalge all on see natuke kergem.

Puurikotkad ja kotkapojad ja varblased katusel ja peos.

Ees on suvi. Ees on õhkutõusmine paratamatult iseenda jõududega. Kuigi tegelikult on see vist pigem kuidagimoodi väga pikaks venimine, sest jalad võiksid jääda maha, lihtsalt pea tõusta pilvedesse ja silmad veel kõrgemale, et näha tähti. Ma ei tea, mida tahta, mille poole püüelda. Vähemalt on hetkel sellise mitteteadmise jaoks hea aeg.

Üks neid nädalaid, kus taas kord tuleb meelde, kuidas elu on üks narratiiv. Sissejuhatus, pingearendus, sündmuste jada, kulminatsioon, pööre, lahendus. Suuremas ja väiksemas mastaabis. Vahel on hetki, kus tajub selgelt, et järgmine valik määrab edasise loo kulgemise - et võimalikud tulevased reaalsused hargnevad sel hetkel... ainult muidugi juttu võib juba olla sisse kirjutatud selle loogiline jätk. Nagu ütlevad õnne, kahetsust jms uurivad psühholoogid: parem öelda võimalustele jah, sest tegemise vead painavad üldiselt vähem kui tegematajätmise vead.

Värve igatahes jätkub. Tallinn on näiteks roheline. Pärast Hispaaniat ei tundu ausalt öeldes enam tõsiseltvõetava linnana koht, kus poole tee selle ühest otsast keskossa annab kõndida läbi metsa. Kahtlustan, et Eesti pealinnas on rohkem puid kui mõnede Lääne-Euroopa riikide keskmises metsas. Samas ega ma ei kurda. :) Mul võib olla ühte koma teist, mille suhtes ma hetkel just ideaalset rahuolu ei tunne, kuid kohalik floora ei kuulu sellesse nimekirja.

The old eagle story

Familiar from a while ago, but at the moment amazingly relevant.

***

Once upon a time, there was a large mountainside, where an eagle's nest rested. The eagle's nest contained four large eagle eggs. One day an earthquake rocked the mountain causing one of the eggs to roll down the mountain, to a chicken farm, located in the valley below. The chickens knew that they must protect and care for the eagle's egg, so an old hen volunteered to nurture and raise the large egg. One day, the egg hatched and a beautiful eagle was born. Sadly, however, the eagle was raised to be a chicken. Soon, the eagle believed he was nothing more than a chicken. The eagle loved his home and family, but his spirit cried out for more. While playing a game on the farm one day, the eagle looked to the skies above and noticed a group of mighty eagles soaring in the skies. "Oh," the eagle cried, "I wish I could soar like those birds." The chickens roared with laughter, "You cannot soar with those birds. You are a chicken and chickens do not soar." The eagle continued staring, at his real family up above, dreaming that he could be with them. Each time the eagle would let his dreams be known, he was told it couldn't be done. That is what the eagle learned to believe. The eagle, after time, stopped dreaming and continued to live his life like a chicken. Finally, after a long life as a chicken, the eagle passed away.

http://www.midnightangel308.com/chicken_the.htm

Tänuavaldused ja päike läbi pilvede

Ma sain just teada, et too kurikuulus administratiivne jama Salamanca ülikooliga on ära klaaritud, nii et nüüd ma võin päriselt rahulikult hingata ja öelda, et jah, ma olen tagasi. Esimene tänu: universumile, headele ideedele ja inimes(t)ele, kes Hispaania poolt paar sugugi mitte suurt, kuid sedavõrd vajalikku sammu astus(id).

Eile Tartusse jõudes oli südantsoojendav näha Taliesinit, Kunni ja Indrekut mul kohe bussijaamas vastas olemas ja tervitamas. Nii hea on teada, et olen ikkagi oodatud, et lähen inimestele korda ka pärast üheksakuist lahusolekut. Teine tänu: sõpradele, kes ellu rõõmu toovad.

Öeldakse, et hommik on targem kui õhtu. Vahel piisab ka ööst, kui selle käigus lisandub kõrvaltvaataja perspektiiv ja mõned uued/ammuunustatud vanad äratundmised. Kolmas tänu: Margus, kes oma uneaja arvelt tõi mind ühelt poolt rohkem maa peale ja teiselt poolt vabastas mu tiivad.

Võib-olla ma siiski suudan taevasse lennata. :)

Jälle nädalaks rändama

Hulk teadmatust, paar hirmu ja mitte mingisuguseid ootusi. Nagu oleks kõik mu vikerkaarelised unistused lihtsalt haihtunud... kaardimajake, mis liiga tugevalt üheleainsale punktile toetus. Illusoorne mull, milles lasta ennast ookeani kanda, vaimustuses ja muretult kuni ta puudutamisel katki läheb ja avastad, et pole enam, mida hingata. Kallas, põhi ja veepind jäävad kõik vaateulatusest välja, aga mingi suuna pead ometi valima. Kõige üllam oleks muidugi lahti teha tiivad ja sellest veest taevasse lennata. Oleks see vaid tegelikkuses samavõrd kerge kui teoorias.

Igatahes neljapäev-reede Tartus, laupäev-pühapäev Arbaveres, esmaspäev-kolmapäev Tallinnas. Plaanid on paigas osaliselt, aga mitte täielikult, nii et kui keegi nimetatud asukohtades nimetatud päevadel minuga kokku saada tahaks, siis olete teretulnud ühendust võtma.

I guess even in my newfound love for Estonia I can't forget the other land and the ideals and symbols that are related to it. I can't have the new without the old just like I can't have the old without the new - at least not have just one and still be happy. So what if I find my spiritual nourishment from soil other than the one that's nourished me physically? So what if the form matters to me as well as the essence? So what if the images might be just phantasms and valuing them unproductive and whatever? It's something that feels right and meaningful and special for me...

Hmm. Maybe I just need there to be something somewhere out there for me. So that no matter where I'm at with life, I can look at that and know there's still room for more. That at no point I've exhausted all my possibilities.

...and here I am again, trying to explain it away for the imagined "rational" audience. Why do I even care? My mind just happens to work a bit differently, I just happen to find some things important.

Right. Whatever. Clearly time to go to sleep.

Tinditoonis mõtteid

Theatre of Tragedy - Der Tanz Der Schatten

Ameerika mäed jätkuvad. Ühelt poolt nii palju potentsiaali, teiselt poolt ei saa milleski kindel olla. Pärnus tundub kogu see muu elu ja inimeste maailm unenäo moodi. Ootused on kõrged ja seda kõvem tuleb ilmselt kukkumine, kui reaalsusega jälle kokku puutuda. Mõnes osas juba tuleb, kuigi kaudselt.

Dagö - Välismaa ...kodumaalt, tuleme siis muusikaski Eestisse.

Csikszentmihalyi soovitab teha midagi loovat, kui sisemist entroopiat liialt saab. Kuna niikuinii ei ole mul midagi uut ega mõttekat öelda, siis panen lõpetuseks tänase soperdise.

*

tumesinine tunne tuli jälle
tagasi ja võõpas mind üksiku
järve värviliseks

kuskil on meri mis peegeldab
päikest selle lainetes mängivad
lapsed ja turistid

siin tõmbub taevas pilve vastu
lähenevat ööd

Sentimentaalsuse nimel

isegi mu päeva
zen-hetkes kajab too
bollywoodi hitt mille
muusikaline toiteväärtus
ulatub umbes suhkurdatud
närimiskummi tasemele
aga
minu soolestikus amokklendu
sooritavale liblikate parvele see
sobib nii et käivitan
youtube'i panen silmad
kinni ja
kujutlen et maitseb
nagu avokaado

Sirelid õitsevad jätkuvalt

Üldse, aastaajad suunavad, mitte ei kohusta.

Kevad. Kevad? Kevad!

:)

Nii ilmselge

Ka tagasijõudmise ja uute-vanade muljete keskel, kui tosinkond plaani lähitulevikuks otsustamist ja toimetusi tegemist vajab, on vaja seda ühte hästi natukest, et jälle kõik huvi enda peale haarata. Nagu maailmas muud ei eksisteerikski. Isegi kui niikuinii pooleldi fantaasia. Tore on hetkel ka niimoodi. Ikkagi on tunne, et Eestis on hea. :)

Väljendus

kollase kleidi unenägu kummitab mind
toon heledamaid päikese moodi ringidega
kardinaid vaadates ja nõuab enda
mustvalgeks jäädvustamist
eesti ja inglise ja südame keeles

tuleb välja et read sipelgasodi
helendaval pinnal on parim mida
talle pakkuda võin

Correspondences

Knowing how these days people put everything and more on the Qabalistic Tree, I thought I might as well write down a thought I had myself the other day. I'm probably not the first person to have come up with this, but who knows, it might be of use to someone. Mind you, if somebody reading this blog actually is familiar with the systems I'm talking about, I would very much love to hear from you. If you happen to be Estonian... well then again what are the odds of that?

Anyway, here goes... the four psychological functions of Jung correspond to the Sephiroth as follows:

Sensation - Malkuth
Thinking - Hod
Feeling - Netzach
Intuition - Tiphareth

Which, of course, leaves Yesod in between. I could actually attibute both sensation and intuition to it, depending on whether it's compared to Malkuth or Tiphareth. At the same time, I would not replace Tiphareth with Kether as the Sephirah that corresponds to the intuitive function. It's only the bottom half of the Tree where the functions really fit quite naturally - to my eyes any way.

Esmamuljed

Väike linn. Väike riik. Hämmastaval hulgal puid ja muidu rohelist. Meri. Jahe, aga talutavalt. Must leib ja normaalse maitsega kraanivesi ja ka Port Arturi toidupoes on mangosid müüa, odavamalt kui Salamancas. Kilpkonn ja õunapuu. Oma tuba, raamatute ja kõige muuga. Maalähedane. Puhkus, vähemalt hetkel ja lähipäeviks. Aines, kus eksamiks oli valikvastustega test, sain ma tulemuseks 100%. Optimism. Hetkel Dagö - Isaga draakonil. Inimesed, kellega tänaval kokku satun ja keda vaevalt tunnen, aga kes ikkagi mind mäletavad. Koht päikese all. Päike on ikkagi olemas ja ma saan seista paljajalu rohus õunapuu kõrval ja talle vastu naeratada. :)

Eestis!

Jah, ma tõesti olen nüüd tagasi. :)

Või siiski

Veel viimased sõnad. Lihtsalt vajab väljendamist. Ei peagi hetkel olema arusaadav.

Head ended.

Aitäh. :)

Otspunkt

Veel viis minutit tagasi oli kindel plaan, et nüüd kohe magama, aga netiühenduse olemas olles ei saa ju jätta tegemata viimast sissekannet siinpool Euroopat. Midagi teadlikult kokkuvõtvat, et saaks öelda, et siit punktist lõpeb üks ja algab teine. Taasalgab? Jätkub? Ma ei tea veel... ei tea, mis tuleb ega mida tahaks, et tuleks.

Kevad on läbi saamas. Täna paistis terve päev päike ja temperatuur ulatus üle +30. Mulle meeldib kevad, selle rahutus ja pulbitsemine. Eestis äkki veel kestab. Kuigi suvi võib ka tore olla. Lihtsalt tänavuses kevades oli ühte-teist, mis tagasi kodumaa suunas tõmbas. Tahaks vähemalt tagasi jõuda enne aastaaegade lõplikku vahetumist.

Sõnakordused. Nojah, uni peal juba. Imelik mõelda ikkagi, et juba homme algab reis tagasi. Pole justkui päriselt kohale jõudnud. Hea kaks nädalat küll aina valmistunud, asju pakkinud jne, aga ikkagi tundub see hetk kuskil kaugemal ähmases tulevikus. Samas tulevik ongi ähmane, ainult paar üksikut kindlamat punkti hetkel teada. Paar üksikut punkti ja suur hulk kevadisi unistusi. Fantastilised ja üldjoonelised nagu nad on.

Võib-olla ei peagi elus tingimata sajaprotsendilise selguse ja kindluseni jõudma. Mis siis, et ma ei tea, "kes ma olen" või mida ma kümne või kahekümne aasta pärast teen või kes on mu "tõelised" hingesugulased või mis on mu roll inimkonna tuleviku loomisel. Mis siis, et ma ei tea isegi märksa tagasihoidlikumate küsimuste vastuseid - kui need vastused on nagu tuul, ei siin ega seal, aega nende väljaselgitamiseks peatada on mõttetu. Mõtlen ikka, et mingi hetk saan nüüd valmis, kaardistan ära oma väärtused ja isiksuse ja suhtlemismustrid ja tea mis veel. Teen nende tulemustega veel seda, teist ja kolmandat. Et siis saab edasi liikuda juba "suuremate sihtide" poole. Ainult et inimene vist ei saagi päriselt valmis, mitte rohkemal määral kui elu ise. Keskenduda protsessile, mitte eesmärgile.

Dagö - Hiired Tuules. Eesti tunne, kõige paremas tähenduses. Kodutunne, hubane ja soe. Inimesed. Olemine. Tänu.

Vist suht sobiv koht lõpetamiseks. Tänades siinset selle pakutud kogemuste eest ja saabuvat võimaluste eest, mis ehk siiski kohati ka tõeluseks saavad. Peatse taaskohtumiseni!

Ülikoolid

See on see koht, kus ma tahaks teele saata paar ebatsensuurset sõna kohaliku hindamissüsteemi suunas. Ma õppisin grupiteraapia eksamiks materjali nii selgeks, et sõna otseses mõttes kopeerisin peast oma märkmeid ümber vastustesse. Ma saan tulemuseks 50%??? Mis küll tähendab, et ma sain ainest läbi ja see on väga vajalik ja tänuväärne jne, aga see ei ole isegi loogiline enam. Tähendab, kui ma olen sõna otseses mõttes talle kirjutanud kogu materjali, mis mul olemas oli, mis ta omalt poolt meile andis, ja sellega pääsen ma vaevu läbi, siis... mida peab õieti tegema selleks, et mingi reaalselt hea hinne saada? Nojah, ilmselt sedasama juttu kaks või kolm korda rohkemate sõnadega pajatama. Sest pmst kohaliku ülikoolihariduse tuum ja põhisisu tundub olevat lakkamatu märkmete tegemine loengutes, et absoluutselt kõik õppejõu sõnad jäädvustada, ja siis eksamil kogu tolle jutu ja veel millegi puhtale paberile ümber kallamine. Lisaks tundub verboossuse määr lugevat rohkem kui reaalne sisu, sest ma kirjutasin 3 küsimusele vastuseks üle kolme A4 puhast infot ja sain madalama tulemuse kui Sabina, kes teadis teemakohast materjali oluliselt vähem ja kirjutas teadlikult pikka udujuttu kuue A4 ulatuses.

Teadagi on päris palju seda, millega ma Tartu süsteemi puhul rahul ei ole - aga kui see pidi nüüd näide olema sellest, kuidas mujal maailmas on asjad paremini, siis Salamanca on selles osas olnud ikka eepiline feil. (Väide, mis on hetkel küll toonitatud tugevalt frustratsioonist teemal mis mõttes sellised tulemused, aga mul oleks ka muidu ühte koma teist öelda.)

Säde

Kui ma selleks, et teid armastada, lõikan oma armastuselt tiivad, sest teie armastusel pole veel tiibu, siis võib orus leida kaks korda rohkem pisaraid ja asjatuid kaebusi, armastus aga ei astuks ühtki sammu mäe poole.

Leidsin täna netist, autorit ei tea viidata. Mõte on päevakohane ilmselt rohkem kui ühte pidi.

Kõrvalt vaadates

Eesti tundub eemal olles pisike. Miljon-poolteist inimest, riigi pindala tervikuna väiksem kui pool Castilla y León'ist ning sellest ka enamik sood ja metsad. Natuke mingi suure pere tunne - kõik on kõigiga miskitpidi seotud. Nojah, selleks tundeks ei pea tingimata välismaale minema, aga siin on see kuidagi märksa eredam, märksa positiivsem. Suures riigis on rohkem võimalusi, rohkem huvitavaid inimesi ja tegevusi, rohkem seda vabadust, mis kaasneb anonüümsusega. Aga teiselt poolt tähendab see ka seda, et ühe inimese tegevus loeb suurema üldpildi mõttes suhteliselt vähe. Salamancas mööda Portugali avenüüd kõndides saan sellest kuidagi eriti teadlikuks. Tundmatud näod, kelle nimesid ma ilmselt kunagi kuulma ei satu. Ridamisi ühesuguseid kollase-punasekirjulisi kortermaju, tänaval keskeltläbi rohkem poode kui puid - Eesti mõttes on siin suurlinn, kuid Hispaanias on see keskmine, üks paljudest. Samamoodi ka inimestega: eksled ringi selles tundmatus massis, siblid sipelgana pesa ümber, must ja väike nagu kõik teisedki. Võõramaalasena ma ilmselt ei taju neid nähtamatuid sidemeid, mis vahest kohalikele suurema tähenduslikkuse ja kokkukuuluvustunde annavad. Aga Hispaanias jääksingi ma alati võõramaalaseks, juurte ja kogukonnata. Näib, et need kaks asja on mulle märksa väärtuslikumad kui oleksin arvanud... näib, et olen neid ka Eestis arvatust märksa rohkem kogeda saanud. Teadagi, kõrvalt märkab kergemini. Nii et mul on hea meel naasta sellesse kogukonda, kus ma küll veel päris täpselt oma kohta leidnud pole, ent kus on võimalus vahest ajaga sealse elu ja heaolu suhtes oma märgatavam panus anda. :)

Coming back

It feels somehow special to be coming back to friends after a long time away. Even though contact has been quite minimal, I feel that the emotional connection means even more now. Like there's an upgrade in the status of some relationships from new to old/lasting... in some cases an upgrade long overdue, in fact. It's good to have a place, a little world to return to. People who (well, I hope) still remember me. I guess whatever survives all this distance of time and space will be worthwhile.

At the same time I'm also realising (once again) that holding on to something simply because it's been there for a while isn't really what I want to do. I can appreciate old connections and familiar surroundings, but just because something has been part of my life for years doesn't mean it needs to have a prominent part for that sole reason. ...Hmm... I just realised that is true on more levels than one (but that is food for thought for another night). For now, I know that there is flow with some people and not so much with others. And if the flow connections are there, it makes sense to focus on them rather than those where growth isn't happening.

So hopefully the coming months will find me releasing what needs to be released, opening space to explore the new, and appreciating what has stood the test of time. Continuity and change. It is exciting to be in a place of my life where I can be so aware of both! I think that can be quite rightfully considered a befriending of Saturn and Uranus. :)

Of course from the side it's also easier to see the opportunities and ignore the difficulties. Everything might turn out to be not nearly as rosy as I see it now. Then again, it's spring - more than that, it's May! For me, a time of the three R-s: restlessness, romance, renewal. Which sounds horribly cliché, but what can I say, my mind and body seem to live quite in tune with the seasons. So anyway, why not add a fourth R of rose-coloured glasses - in the midst of all the excitement and emotional turmoil of things, it might just be the icing on the cake. :)

Net miracle/irony

Yes, this is correct: it's half past midnight here in Salamanca and you're seeing me online writing something in my blog while sitting in the same room that has been completely netless for now close to half a year. I don't know how long this is going to last and, let's be honest, it doesn't really matter as I'm only staying here for a few more days. And of course the most ironic bit is that I have two exams on Friday morning and therefore the last thing I should be spending time on right now is the Internet. But then again, as I spent practically the entire day studying for yet another exam that I had this evening, I suppose I can just look upon this as a reward for my efforts and a needed moment of R&R.

A bit poetic after all

we will rise early and go out to
meet our new challenges. your back
towards me, heading off in the distance.
sunshine spreading gold over the grass.
the world is round so one day we will
meet again or at least reach a point from
which it's only possible to get back closer,
right? but still I'll try to climb whatever
rainbows on my way because they look a bit like
memories of you.

Kotkad, varblased ja Doctor Who

Tahaks öelda midagi poeetilist, aga kõik poeetiline on juba ammu öeldud. Teema on niikuinii vana ja kulunud... võiks ju ollagi kulunud, aga vat ei ole, ja ikka unistab mingi osa minust, et praegu on alles algus. Mille algus, ma ei tea, aga on hullumeelne uppuda viide sekundisse ühes päevas. Uppuda lihtsalt seetõttu, et korra näpuotsaga vett puudutada julged. Või hingega teise hinge kaja.

Kuna midagi uut öelda pole mõtet, siis kordan lihtsalt vana. Siin. Ja siin. Ja siin. Jnejnejne. Pimestav kirkus.

Eesti inimesed

Kahe nädala pärast korjan oma koli kokku ja liigun jälle koduses kirdesuunas. Sina, kes Sa seda teksti praegu loed - kui Sa oled sõber/tuttav/muidu tore ja Sulle meeldiks üle pika aja jälle kokku saada, siis kirjuta mulle või midagi. Ootan rõõmuga. :)

:)

Latest comment on my English: "You sound like an American who's been living in Britain for a long time." I think that's the best compliment yet. :)

Temperatuur

Täna on Tartus 20 ja Salamancas 8 kraadi sooja. Varsti tagasi Eestisse suve järele!!

Spanish kids

I've noticed that children, especially little girls, are dressed in a way they might've been 50 years ago. Which, I have to say, looks quite gorgeous to my eyes. But at the same time is somewhat troubling, along with the knowledge of that a fair number of them will end up in Catholic schools... well, I haven't heard a lot of good things about Catholic schools around here, and from the way they look my guess is their parents are rather traditional-minded as well. I suspect these kids are being molded into not being progressive from the start. After a good number of years under sadistic nuns, no wonder that as soon as they become of age, Spanish youth spend the vast majority of their spare time going to parties and pubs where they try their hardest to drink and smoke themselves into premature death. Either that or they become good little church boys and girls who walk, eat and breathe the way the Pope tells them to.

The usual April

Today I'm going to write in English for a change. Lately I seem to be in an Estonian thinking mode, I suppose these phases come and go. The current weather here is something we up in the north would call summer, but here it's spring - it's good to be in spring at last. Funny how in spite of the actual temperature, what seems to matter more is actually what's going on in the nature. So even though Spanish spring is Estonian summer and Spanish winter is Estonian spring, the Spanish seasons still feel like winter and spring to me, even though I'm accustomed to seeing such weather during other seasons. As little as there is of trees and other nature around here, it's still the primary indicator of the time of the year.

And now it's spring with all its usual restlessness and little surprises and life beginning to flow. Every year it's different, but still there's a connecting thread running through the springs - 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007,... it's a spiral, every year you end up in the same place, only it's not really the same, you go through the same phases again and again and again, and it's always the same and it's never the same.

I feel the doors opening more fully and a fresh breeze bringing smells of summer, rain and sunshine, Estonia. It's strange to find myself missing the place I wanted to get away from nearly all my life. Perhaps not so much for the place as for the people - and that's the really bizarre part, because until quite recently I didn't even believe I could find anyone there who I could relate to on a deeper level. Or well, with a few rare exceptions, but... ah yes, of course. The exception. Maybe I'm just generalising my looking forward to a few meetings to the entire country at the moment. And then again, I suspect that for most of us, the presence or absence of a few special people in a place matters more than what the rest of the population does. As long as the rest of the population doesn't do something like genocide with us being in the "wrong" ethnic group, of course. (In which case I suspect it'd make sense to get those special people and make a quick change of location while the crowd hasn't quite got too close with the torches.)

Laupäevahommikused mõtted

Tundub, et eilsel riigipühal õnnestus minus sedavõrd netivõõrutusnähte tekitada, et ma vedasin ennast täna vabatahtlikult voodist välja ja raamatukokku. Mingi topeltelu on jälle tekkinud... naljakas on mõelda Eestisse naasmisele põnevuse ja suurte lootustega. Näha/leida/taasleida sealt seda, mida muidu ikka mujalt kaugemalt otsitud. Ilmselt ei ole ka eesolev naasmine mingi lõplik sadamasse jõudmine, ma olen noor ja inimesed mu ümber on noored ja elu üleüldse on üha kiirem ja muutusi täis. See on tore. Hetkel ma lihtsalt tean, et võin ka Eestist leida kodutunnet. Mitte küll võib-olla mingit Suurt Lõplikku Kodutunnet - ideaalsed tunded ei eksisteeri ilmselt väljaspool ideaalide maailma - kuid siiski rohkemat kui arvanud oleksin. Lõppude lõpuks on mul kodutundeks vaja puid ja merd ja inimesi. Selliseid inimesi, kes ka ilma maa ja puude ja mereta minus kodutunnet tekitaksid. Hingesugulasi. Võib-olla vastupidiselt kõigele sellele, mida kunagi puberteediealisena mõtlesin, leidub sääraseid ka Eestis. Võib-olla Eestis just eriti. Eks näis. :)

Minnes nüüd hingetoidu juurest kehatoidu juurde, Hispaania üldised elamiskulud on küll märksa kõrgemad kui Eestis, kuid:

• Eesti kontsentraadi põhjal tehtud mahl maksab sama palju kui Hispaanias otse apelsinidest/mandariinidest/vms tehtud
• Hispaania kontsentraadi põhjal tehtud mahl maksab umbes sama palju kui Eestis mingid nektarid ja mahlajoogid
• Hispaania nektarid jne maksavad veel vähem

Lisaks leidsin poest hiljuti sellise nähtuse nagu multimahl - st, kui Eestis saab osta multinektarit, mis väidab ennast olevat puuviljamahl, kuid on põhiosas suhkur ja vesi, siis Hispaanias ongi konkreetselt võimalik osta analoogses pakendis analoogse hinna eest seitsme erineva puuvilja mahlast kokku segatud jooki.

Muide, pudelivesi maksab siin ka vähem kui Eestis, vähemalt mitmeliitriste pudelite puhul. (Pärnu on ainuke linn, mille kraanivesi mulle piisavalt neutraalse maitsega tundub, et seda suuremates kogustes jooma nõus olen.)